2004-11-27, 1:14 p.m.
I'm writing this entry from Ohio. I'm using my sister's laptop. My family and Uncle Danny just left to my cousin Matt's house to play cards. I got out by saying I'm too tired to stay up. I am pretty tired but I probably could of toughed it out.
In truth, I'm cold. I'm tired of being outside in the cold and don't want to step out one more tired. In truth, I can't handle the embarresement of my mom one more time. In truth, I want to binge and purge and I need the privacy of this evening. I have a good 5 hours or so, I'm guessing, so I'm not in any rush to get started with my food, so I'm sitting here with this laptop in my jeans, tanktop, long sleeve shirt, sweatshirt, and coat. I'm freezing. I hate Ohio. I haven't taken off my coat all day. My Uncle looks concerned. He doesn't understand why I'm so cold. I keep getting "meat on your bones" jokes. I look away embaressed. All I ate yesterday was airplane pretzels (50 calories) and some salad (lettuce). Today I had some chicken noodle soup (90 calories) and half an apple (80 calories?). I'm hungry.
I want to go home. I had to sleep in the same bedroom as my parents last night. My mom snores and my dad does occasionally too. He turned on the light THREE times last night to yell at my mom that she was in the middle of the bed. He also yelled out in the middle of the night "HUH? What happened?" I'm allergic to cats and they run around upstairs. I was miserable all night due to the snoring and my allergies. I'm swapping with my brother tonight for the couch downstairs. A couch is better then the torture upstairs.
I'm so angry with my dad. My mom shouldn't be here and he let's her control him. This morning we wanted to leave at 11 but my mom kept bitching at my Uncle Danny. She wanted waffles or pankcakes for breakfast but he didn't have any. He said just have cereal for breakfast like everyone else but she was complaining and being so rude. We had to wait for her to eat eggs and toast, take her vitamins, then brush her teeth. Then this afternoon she complained how she spilt something in her suitcase and she wanted Danny to bring the vacuum upstairs and attach it for her. While I was laying on the couch after my nap, she came over and ripped the pillow out from under my head because she wanted a softer pillow and wanted to test it. Okay, let's declare to the host that her bed isn't good enough. She's also said she wanted fish for dinner and to get that at the store. Pickey Pickey.
My sister drank 4 beers last night while playing cards. She said she wanted to start drinking this morning when my mom started going off. I went to sleep. My dad sometimes drinks, goes to work, does projects, or goes to bed early. Were a family of avoidance. My brother hides or makes jokes. I feel bad for my Uncle.
It's only Saturday evening. I leave Tuesday morning. I want to go home. It suprises me to hear myself think that. But I hate the discomfort of someone elses home. And I hate not being able to binge and purge. And I hate not having alone time and when I want it everyone gives me a hard time. I know I shouldn't binge tonight: especially on Uncle Danny's food, but I will. It's stupid, I feel panicked like when is the next time I can do it? I know atleast Tuesday, probably before that.
I'm stupid. Worthless.
When we were getting my mom from her flight my dad said something like "Oh, is that her? Oh no, she's wearing a red coat" and I said "ya, bright red, like Satan" We laughed then I said "God, I'm going to burn in hell". My dad said "You?" I said "Yes. For all the comments I make....god..where is she. Maybe her plane crashed." Then he said "Careful. If God hears that maybe he'll make our plane crash." I replied "Oh well, it's god's will. i wouldn't be heart broken."
The sad thing is, I meant it.