2004-11-30, 11:08 p.m.
Well, I'm home. And thank mary joseph and jesus for that. Let me update from where I left off in the trip.
I got off the computer and b/p. I cleaned up, had some tea, and watched TV for the rest of the evening. I went to go make another cup of tea and the water wouldn't work. I didn't think anything of it and went to bed. The water still didn't work till the next day. I was panicking thinking it had to do with me and I clogged the pipes or something since it happened a couple hours after I purged. Thankfully I found out they were working on the pipes in the whole city, but I was still paranoid I clogged the pipes and that's why they were drilling. Now thinking back that was really over doing it thinking I barfed that much.
Anyway, I went for my second Thanksgiving at my Aunt's on Sunday. There were no vegetables, no salad, nothing. I was panicking. I couldn't even eat safe food slowly then toy with unsafe food. I sat with my sister on the couch off by ourselves. When she got up for her drink I shoved the turkey and some stuffing in a napkin in the couch. Ugh. Then when she got up again I did the same thing with potatoes. I mushed together the rest of the food and covered it up with another napkin.
The food is still in the couch.
Monday war broke out. My family had been fighting the whole weekend, mostly when driving, but this was really bad. My Uncle wasn't home (who we were staying with) so I guess we let it rip. I've never seen my sister and dad fight like this, especially recently. My sister, dad, brother, and I were playing cards and my mom was calling me a dumbass and stupid because I was getting on her case for how much she had packed for this short trip. My sister, Michelle, was horified she was calling me that and horified my dad wasn't saying anything to defend me. My sister is 25 and has been out of the house for over 5 years, she knows what goes on, but hates it. They started arguing over how my dad should've divorced her a long time ago, my sister started screaming at my mom how she's a heartless, self-centered bitch, no wonder she has no friends and has to talk to herself and she's lucky we haven't locked her up. She started screaming at my dad that my mom has made her miserable for her whole life. My dad said to just avoid her.
To just avoid her. That's his solution. My sister said I was suppose to just ignore her when I was 4? Then she said how she's driven me to anti-depressants. Then I started to cry.
Then they started to argue about the trip and how my dad didn't even want to "go on the stupid trip and she dragged him into it". I felt awful to hear him say that because his mom is dying and he feels like it's a burdan to go out there. My sister said she thought she was doing the right thing to push him to go because of his mom but he said he didn't want to go because he knew this was going to happen. My sister said exactly, that's why I didn't want her to go.
That's when my mom entered. She started saying all this crap about why she should go.
Anyway, it all went down hill. I was crying, my sister slammed the door to her room, my dad was yelling about how he has the right to do what he wants with my mom, I was saying how I want him to defend me because I feel like shit when she calls me a dumb ass and he was saying he does and I told him to give me an example and he couldn't tell me one and then I was crying in the bathroom. Then my dad left with my mom to who knows where.
Now I feel confused. I feel lost and alone. I have a dad who doesn't want me, a sister who I was running after in the airport who wouldn't wait for me even though I couldn't keep up, and I don't have a mom. I don't have a place anywhere and I'm not wanted. My dad doesn't want me. I don't want me.
My spine is bruised and swollen looking. In the center its bright red and the bumps are big. It hurts to lay. I lost 3 lbs. 80 lbs I am. I only b/p once on the trip. I didn't eat much otherwise.
I'm sad.
"What on earth is going on in my heart
Has it turned as cold as stone
Seems these days I don't feel anything
Less it cuts me right down to the bone
What on earth is going on in my heart"
-David Gray, My Oh My