2005-06-09, 7:05 p.m.
I am depressed. I am really thankful that my sister opened her home to me, but I am just so sad. I don't know why. All this change is too much. I don't know what to do with myself all day. I am supposed to get a job, and I applied and got some applications to some places, but I just feel directionless and like shit. The last few days I woke up and binged and purged. I think I'm getting sick. My body feels so depleated. I weighed myself on my sister's scale and I've lost quite a bit of weight. I can't even sleep here because they haven't pulled on their air mattress yet...so i've been on the couch. I feel like shit. Tired, undernourished, sick, and so lonely. I went out to lunch with my dad today, and when we hugged to say goodbye I held on to him so tight and nearly started to cry. I felt so stupid for missing him so much.
I don't know what to do. I might go home. My sister will probably lecture me and think I'm stupid but I miss my dad. I feel so sad here. I think I should go home, get a job, and save up to move out in the fall.
I feel like I'm going brain dead. I am so spacey and can hardly speak coherantly anymore. This stupid eating disorder is probably destroying all my brain cells. I hardly read anymore. Basic math and vocabularly is slowly going. I'm basically worthless. I don't want to perservere anymore. All this shit is being thrown at me and I am suppose to be stronger then ever but I don't even want this life. I feel so so lost right now. God, if you're out there, what do you want from me? I am at the end of my rope and I have nothing left to lose. What do you want me to do? Because I don't have a clue. And I am about to lose it. Or I'm losing it. I wish you would just give me an answer already. I am really starting to doubt I am meant to have any kind of life.