2005-06-13, 11:48 a.m.
It feels so good to sit. I feel utterly drained and I'm not sure if the ringing I'm hearing in my ears is coming from the computer or is something in my head. It's been a long past few days. Actually, it's been a long month. Year. Lifetime. It really depends how you look at it.
Since sometime last week I have been feeling trapped. I was staying at my sister's place because I really didn't know where else to go. I tried to live at home, but I felt like I was literally losing my mind. I tried an old friend's family but I felt ran out of that place. I tried my car but that doesn't work for obvious reasons. I felt like I was suffocating at my sister's. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. She opened her home to me and did basically everything she could to make me comfortable but I felt so lonely, so scared, and so UNcomfortable. I wanted to return home but that was my original problem.
So last night I was picking up my car from my dad's place, my home, because my dad was doing some maintenance stuff on it. I was hanging around because my mom was out so I had a chance to spend some time with my dad. I felt like tears were on the surface the whole time. I had to keep gulping them back, and some of the time I just wiped them away because I couldn't help it. Finally when my dad and I were chilling on the couch I just laid it out to him: "I don't know what to do". He knew what I was reffering to because we've been talking about it quite often every time I see him. My dad wants me to come home, so I think he persued me in that direction a little. He told me my options, but showed more benefits in coming home. He said he could fix some dinner with wine so my mom was calm. I knew my mom wouldn't be rational no matter what, but at this point I didn't know what to do. The thought of driving back to my sisters was heart wrenching. I didn't want to spend the night on the couch again. I was just so, so tired. Physically, really. I hadn't got a decent night sleep in ages.
When my dad, my mom, and I tried to talk I was way too optimistic. My mom at first seemed like she was going to be cooperative but then I think she got threatened because she started listing all these problems she has with me. Then she started saying things like, "If she wants to live here, she has to..." Like my mom has the power in the house. Then she said I had to get a job and make some money to pay for some things. I wanted to laugh because my mom doesn't make money. What the fuck? I kept looking at my dad for help, but as usual he wasn't of any.
So I totally lost it. I was eating in apple, and I was just kind of holding it in my hand. While we were talking, I was sitting on the floor infront of them two on a couple chairs. So there I was on the floor with my apple. I totally started sobbing, rocking, freaking out. I was like "she isn't going to change, I don't know what to do" It wasn't for show or anything. I really was freaking out in my head. I didn't know what to do because infront of me my world was colapsing because i had hopes she might actually cooperate (how ridiculous of me) and everything goes sour for me once again. Then I chucked my apple across the room, drama style, and started sobbing that I had no place to live, no place to go, and started to get up. I think my dad thought I was going to run away again so he blocked my exit between his chair and the pool table, and said "now now, sit down, don't go, you have a place to live." I might of even shook up something in my mom because she changed her tone from regulating rule maker to "okay, she doesn't have a place to live, you can stay here." It wasn't the way I wanted her to react, or the response I wanted, but atleast she wasn't being such a bitch.
My brother then stepped in and started going off about my mom wasn't going to change, nothings going to change, and how he's not going to watch them abuse me. By then I just had my back to them on the ground, huddled, crying, and just sat and listened. Eventually my brother stepped out, and my dad kept talking about how I don't have to get a job and my job is to go to school and we need to set some ground rules and even if we can't like eachother now we need to respect eachother and I don't think anyone was listening except for me. My mom had turned away to the computer and was typing. For some reason I had the urge to get up, hug him, and cry.
I just think I wanted everything to be okay so bad I wanted to believe him. I tried to convince him to take the day off today because I didn't want to be alone with my mom, and was afraid of something happening and being alone with her, but he said he couldn't. Maybe tomorrow, he said.
I still didn't sleep very well last night. I went to bed late, woke up early, and ate and puked early this morning. Last night I noticed I've lost a lot of weight and maybe thats why my dad has voiced a concern about my health. I tried to work on cleaning out my room so I'm more happy in it but I'm really tired. I sorted through all of my clothes, though. I think I'm going to sell a lot of them online.
I wish my dad was home. I don't want to be alone right now.