2005-08-25, 6:34 p.m.
I saw Julio yesterday.
He was on vacation last week, so it's been a bit. I filled him in on some recent fights with both my parents these last couple days, one that occured just the day before I saw him. I haven't even written about it in here, so that shows how much I've been slacking off this journal. They were really emotionally draining fights, and I specifically thought about getting on the computer to write, but then it drained me to think about processing the emotions.
I guess the fighting started 4 days ago? All of it revolved around my mom. She's been giving me a really hard time lately, and for the first time in my life, lately, I'm not the one initiating anything. I've been avoiding her and I don't speak to her unless she speaks to me. I guess the corgialness between us was too much for her because she's finding anything to piss and moan over towards me. The annoying thing is, she's MEAN. She calls me names like "Miss Piggy" or "Crazy". She says things like how I am such a hassle and how I never clean up after myself (not true). It's just frustrating because the theme over all these days of fighting is that it's pointless to fight back or stick up for myself. It's pointless to try to speak to my mom at all because she doesn't get anything.
At any rate, my mom was just generally being a bitch. When my dad got home, he would catch the tail end of the fights and generally get a skewed perception. If I blew up, he wouldn't understand why I was so upet. I would tell him she's been on my case all day but he would just tell us to "cut it out" - instead of telling her to stop calling me names or tell her to stop getting on my case.
The day before I saw Julio, two days ago, was the worse. I woke up late in the day due to a bad night of bingeing - which generally aleady put on me on edge - and my mom was on my case the moment I got out of the shower. She demanded and yelled at me to move my car from the drive way so she could leave. my dad moved it there due to street sweeping. From there a fight spiraled because I wasn't ready to move my car and was angry she demanded me in such a rude way, and wouldn't wait 5 minutes. When I got down to my car in my time, I saw she had stuck the spare keys in my car, with the one thats hard to turn most of the time. I don't know what she did, but it was stuck in the ignition. I couldn't get it out or start the car, and apparently she couldn't either and that's why she asked me to move my car. I flipped out, screaming at her that she was a fucking moron and not to touch my car or keys and that she should of waited for me for 5 minutes and this wouldn't of happened because I would've used my set of keys. I bet the neighbors heard me calling her every name in the book.
She called my dad, who told her to wait till he got home. But she tried to get out of the garage by pulling up and backing out over and over. I didn't want her to hit my car, so when she got out to check her distance, I took her keys. She called my dad again, and told lies about me and called me names. Then she got her spare set and tried again for several minutes till she left. I gave up and let her, telling myself it was my dad's problem.
When my dad got home, I was fuming and angry but also feeling drained. I just felt like there is nothing I can do about these kind of things and my dad doesn't do anything but let her as long as she gets her way.
But it didn't end here.
I noticed my old cell phone was missing, which I needed to transfer my phone book into my new phone which I just got that day. I asked my dad if he had seen it because I remembered leaving it on the pool table. He said no, and asked my mom who is notorious for moving and losing things during her "cleaning". My mom said she THREW IT AWAY.
I completely lost it.
"WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU THROW IT AWAY WHO THROWS AWAY A CELL PHONE YOU STUPID BITCH..."
She said it was in the upstairs trash and go get it. My dad retrieved it, I plugged it in as the battery was dead, and it wouldn't turn on. I flipped it over as it was acting up a lot before(why I replaced it) and went to take the battery out and put it back in.
There was no battery.
My throat was raw from screaming. It was like, freak out, calm down, repeat.
"WHERE THE FUCK IS THE BATTERY"
The next hour was dedicated to trying to figure out where the battery is. She denied knowing where it was, blamed me in taking it out, then denied throwing it away after she admitted it.
Then my dad told me he "couldn't live like this anymore."
I wanted to laugh.
HE
COULDN'T
He told me we need to get along and stop fighting. OK DAD. SURE THING. He said we just need to avoid eachother and not talk. I told him he's living in a fantasy world and maybe in a SANE FAMILY WITH SANE FAMILY MEMBERS AND WHERE THE MOM IS NOT SCHIZO that would work. But she's not going to change, she won't leave me the fuck alone, and things are never going to change because THE IT WITCH IS OUT OF HER MIND. I must of yelled how my mom is insane 10 times. She was just in the other room and I know she heard me. I wonder what she was thinking.
After my parents ate dinner, my dad approached me and said "There's one problem with your arguement. If mom is insane, then how can you have such extreme anger for a crazy person? She's either insane or mean. She can't be both."
I said no, she's an insane bitch. I don't know enough about her mental illness or mental illness to know where the line is drawn. I don't know if her insanity makes her mean or she could be insane and have a better personality. I don't know where that line is drawn. But she is still just a really mean, insane person. You can be both.
Edit: 9:00 PM Okay, i'm back from bikeride.
Anyway. My dad just didn't understand. At one point of this argument, I just had to tell him I was done because he either wouldn't let him understand or he couldn't because of his different relationship with my mom he is in. I tried to put it clearly by saying "my mother is schizophrenic. Can't you see how hard that is?" he just said: "Wah wah wah. how long are you going to dwell on that, allowing it to ruin you." I was simply floored, though I know I can't be upset over this for the rest of my life. But that's not the whole picture or story. my point is this whole scenario is fucked up: how my dad avoids things, how he lets my mom insult me and doesn't stick up for me, watching my mom get worse, and not having him be supportive in that. I told my dad that this would be a hella a lot easier to deal with if I had a supportive dad throughout it all. He got defensive, demanding to know what I wanted him to do. I told him I didn't even bring that up and what I would have him to is something is different then he will ever do as we've talked about for years.
He said I'm an adult and I need to take responsibility for myself and for my actions and how I respond to these situations. I said he should have done something about this all when I wasn't an adult. I don't have that much control over my feelings and reactions. This isn't all my fault.
I almost laughed in shock and relief to hear myself say this isn't all my fault. I wanted to yell "therapy break through!" But I was getting ready to go to a meeting and get the hell out of my house.
Julio said he was very proud of me about 60 times in our appt. I came home from the meeting and my cell phone's battery was back in place. I asked my dad where it was and he said my mom found it under a towel in the bathroom. I knew she was full of shit but it's not worth batteling over. I'll never know why she felt the need to take it. I just know she's fucking insane.
Julio had no updates in treatment centers. I'm ticked. This is taking way to long. His exusce? He was on vacation last week so there was no change to make phone calls. I wonder about thursday and friday of the week I saw him the week before he went on vacation[I saw him on wed]. I wonder about Monday and Tuesday this week, as he's been in work this week. I really don't care that he's been on vacation because while he's been on vacation i've been losing my mind and need things to change.
The appointment ended and I still needed to tell Julio about how I'm picking so bad that my legs are so sore I can't walk. That it's got that out of hand. I go "um" and he knows something is up. I don't let myself pretend nothing is up, and it takes a couple minutes and I tell him it's gotten out of hand lately. He tells me he thinks its the stimulants (diet pills) i'm taking. He describes the medical/technical aspects in the brain, as he usually does when he can. Then he tells me he sees a lot of ADD patients and when they're OCD also, and perscribed stimulants, they usually need to perscribed something like Luvox and other SRRI's (i think they are SRRI?) to conteract the picking because they're suddenly so aware. My challenge? Not take diet pills for a week and see how the picking goes. We'll talk about it next week. I said 6 days because I have 1 stacker and 1 phen left (which I take together). So after I'm out completely, I'll go cold turkey.
I'm aware of how fat I've gotten. Late night binges are catching up with me. I'm determined to shed serious weight. Julio hit the top of my butt playfully with the bathroom key as he walked out. I was wearing a skirt to hide my huge thighs, but when I got home I couldn't help to stare at my ghetto booty. I mean he does stuff like that all the time...scratch my head, poke me. I said if I find the diet pill that fell somewhere on my floor when I knocked over the bottle It'll be 5 days instead of 6 cold turkey he back handed my arm. But ya, ugh...my butt. My thighs. I swore last night as I stood up straight they touched for the first time. This morning they didn't though, so it had to be my imagination but usually no matter how hard I try, they won't touch. The next test is to lean foward with my legs and try to make them touch. How long it takes to make them touch is how fat I am. Lately, it doesn't take much.
Today I ate salad and a bowl of popcorn and went on a bike ride and I'm going to become a waif. the end. `