2005-08-28, 3:09 a.m.
i'm fat.
and i hate myself.
and i hate that i can't get this weight off. it's never been this impossible and i feel like i'm just going to keep getting bigger.
i don't want to leave the house.
But I start school on Monday. And I don't want to go to school because my classes are a joke and I can't stand socializing and I'm suppose to be going into treatment and I only signed up for like, 7 units. I don't have the energy for this. I'm too fat and ugly for school and so many people. I don't want people to look at my face that has a million holes in it. Or my body that is worn so thin but is so FAT. I tried to look at and buy some clothes online but I don't know what I like or wear to shop or anything anymore. I just want to wear pajamas and tshirts and stay in bed.
I.Don't.Want.To.Go.To.School. I can't get dressed. I can't wake up. I can't do this.
And I want to take my fucking diet pills and say fuck you julio and fuck this expierement. Today was day two on no stimulants and I woke up starving. seriously. I creeped into the kitchen at 8 AM (which is fucking early for me) and ate like, 5 nuts, and picked out the yogurt clusters in my binge cereal. then went back to bed. I was going on a bike ride with my dad and he said we'd be leaving at noon. I wanted food. Now. I took out rice from the fridge and noticed it was 11:40. My head said "eat the rice and purge and be ready by noon". I shoveled and drank crystal lite and popped in toast in the toaster and melted cheese on it. STUPID.
I hurried to purge but took longer then 20 min and my dad kept shouting at me. Rice is a bitch to purge...kept coming and coming.
I feel huge today. I bike rided 12 miles and did pilates and b.p this evening, had frozen yogurt to take with the stupid luvox so i won't get nauseous..and I feel like a cow. I seriously feel like I've gained weight from today. HOW. WHY. Normally I'd feel better after a day today. The purge went better then my last few weeks purges..I went quickly. It was thorough. WHAT THE FUCK. I feel like I'm gaining weight from BREATHING. I don't want to know how much I weigh. I don't want anyone to know how much I weigh. I can't go into treatment weighing this FAT FUCKING MUCH.
I'm going to go cry. Then sleep. And try not to feel my thighs touch.