2005-08-30, 10:48 p.m.
I don't know what to think.
My therapist makes me happy. I see him, I leave, and I have this high. I don't know what it is exactly. The way he calls out "Bye Melissa!" to me as I walk out, or the way we joke in session, or as he was talking to Pat about making phone calls for treatment for me, he had his arm around me. And ask we walked out into the main office, we stayed that way. I would lean agiainst him, kind of playfully shoving, and he would shove back.
He tells me how it is. He doesn't take my bullshit and is straight foward, which is good and bad because depending on my mood I can get equally stern or sometimes hurt if I think he's not being sympathetic. Partially, I know, I adore the attention. I can see how thats potentially bad but right now I think it's pretty harmless.
My problem is, I don't want to doubt him. I want to think he knows what he's doing and everything is a-o-k. I want to give my life over to him 100% and not worry about how it's being taken care of.
But I start to question. Why is it taking so long for him to get me into an inpatient program? Should it take this long?
Then, today, he tells me he thinks PARTIAL program would be a better option. I tell him I have my doubts because I don't know how much I trust myself. I'd have to go home and face the toilet and the fridge. Julio likes the idea of partial because i'd have a network of support near by.
I'm really not sure about the idea of partial. I wanted to get away from my family after they found out and totally disconnect from temptation. However, he thought it was a good idea, (Me: are you sure?) so I agreed. I just couldn't say no even though I wanted him to think it wasn't a good idea or have some hesitation in the idea.
I question how seriously he takes me. I don't know why I equivalate partial = less severe treatment.
I guess what just bothers me, too, is that today we were kind of joking about things A LOT. I guess it kind of took the...anxiety out of some of my "fat" worrys because joking about it put it out in the open and made it less serious...but at the same time on reflection it's kind of bothersome. Like, I was joking about how huge I feel lately, because I do..because I've gained a lot of weight..and he said something not sounding very sympathetic...and I said "oh, that sounds sincere!" and he said "I am. This is my "very-sincere-you-are-so huge-whatever" voice" and the rest of the time we were making jokes about how he feels soo bad for me and how I feel huge. I mean, it took the anxiety out of it because I got it out on the open how I fear that I really am huge and everyone thinks I am huge and it just made it seem like not such a big deal, but then it just kind of made all my problems teeny tiny..you know? Like all the times I'm crying and having horrible purging sessions and can't sleep and I think I'm going to pass out from electrolyte embalances...
I don't know. I just remembered all those horrible nights where I wanted to die, and we are sitting in his office laughing, and he has no idea how bad it is. Or does he? Then I'm thinking in my head "Oh, he is recommending partial treatment instead of IP because I've gained weight. I'm not thin enough for IP now."
And when I was making more appts infront of the front desk, I was kind of pondering "Well, atleast if I do partial, I can still throw up." OK NO. MELISSA. BAD MIND SET.
I was complaining of a sore throat because I was saying how dumb it was to purge while I was sick and Julio wanted Pat to look at it, cause she's a nurse. I said no, no. I just probably abused it from puking..it's not strep (which he thought). But when we went out there to tell her about going to OP instead if IP, he was like "Oh, and look at Melissa's throat". I was like, Hey! But I sat down, afraid she'd see cavities. She said it was just red on one side, not strep.
When I left Julio's I was feeling good, right? But then I was freaking because I felt like I needed to fit in a b/p before school otherwise I wouldn't be able to make it all day and go to a meeting. But then I just didn't want to have to. I felt guilty, too, just having seeing Julio.
I argued with myself all the way home whether or not to b/p or get frozen yogurt for lunch. I ended up b/p and being late for my first class of the semester. I'm debating have a second round right now.
Gah, I suck. And I don't know how I'm going to resist these kind of temptations if I'm not in IP.