2005-09-05, 3:08 a.m.
I'm purging way too much and I'm totally aware of it. I'm watching myself self-destruct and I'm allowing it, pushing myself, and falling into the trap. I have no will to have a life outside of being thin and I will go to any means to reach it.
I sleep because I don't have any reason to get up. Getting up just means more time to fight eating, and I just can't fucking deal. I honestly don't care how unproductive I am. If I can sleep in till 1, 2, or 3 PM in the afternoon I'll do it because it's just more hours I didn't eat. I know I am depressed. I use to care that things are going bleak in more ways then one (food, mood) but now I don't fight it. I sleep because no one wakes me. Sometimes I tell myself if my dad questions why I am sleeping past noon, I'll get up. But he never comes to my room so I never get up till I feel like I deserve to get frozen yogurt or my room gets so hot my bed is uncomfortable. Lately I feel so fat I just feel undeserving of anything.
Last Wednesday the new diet pills came and it had been a week or so since I had taken any stimulants. I felt so angry at myself because I just felt so powerless: I can't get the weight off. I e-mailed Julio explaining the diet pills came and I was having a hard time not taking them. The day went to shit, but I didn't take any. The next day, and since then, I have been taking them.
Saturday morning I woke up hungry. My dad and I go grocery shopping every saturday around 10:30 AM. I was up at 9 and putzing around online. I made popcron, trying to curve my hunger. I gave in and just binged on left over mexican food. I sat down at the computer with it all and a bowl of cheese vegetables. As I was getting comfy, the garage opened with my dad from costco. I looked at the clock...10:00. Fuck. I should've guessed he'd be home soon. I closed all my windows, grabbed my food, a water bottle, and ran upstairs to the bathroom.
It was a pathetic sight to watch myself binge infront of the bathroom mirror. I hurriedly purged, showered, then went to the grocery store with my dad. It was a very off morning. What was more off was that we were going bike riding at 12:30 PM. I was hungry. Again. I'm a fucking empty hole. I searched the fridge for something safe..I swear it always starts that way. I saw left over rice from my binge the night before. I took one bite and wanted the whole bowl. I nuked it. I toasted some bread. My dad says "Can't you wait?" reffering to lunch. I laugh, fakily, and say no. I shovel it, purge, and off we bike...me very dehydrated. I don't remember lunch. That night I had round 3 while my parents were at the movies. It was much larger and equally shitty. grocery store food and a dozen gratty cookies scratching my throat down and up is all I remember.
Today. Sunday. That was yesterday..oi. I coat my lips in vaseline because they're cracked and sore from purging...I sleep horrible because I do a million leg and butt exercises and now my body is sore from purging and exercising. Today I have a near repeat of yesterday. I couldn't wait for my dad to go asleep so I binged on rice and toast (rice = bad) mid evening and purged it while my dad was walking my dog. Then he says "want to get frozen yogurt?" oi. SURE! After he goes to bed, I'm qued to start my "real" "planned" binge of bakery goods and frozen shit. I think the milk I drank was spoiled so everything came up real easy...basically like...I was really sick. I drank the milk ignoring the funky after taste. God, Melissa. I told myself "Oh well, I'm puking anyways" And it kind of assisted the puking.
My legs hurt from exercising again today. They won't shrink. I tape measured them again today and they're the same. I want to fucking scream. I'm trying to be thorough with my purges and work out everyday and quit keeping food down and :RGKJF.
Little debbie bostom creme rolls suck.
I'm going to miss my class again on Tuesday because I'm seeing Julio. I missed it on Thursday because I was puking. Good job. It was only the second time. It's my creative writing class, too, which I'm excited for. Was. Am. I dunno.
I'm going to go to bed now. And sleep till the evening. Or something.