2005-09-05, 9:47 p.m.
I'm really pissed off. I don't know. Last night after I wrote that entry I did my exercises and I went to bed not feeling very tired though it was 4 AM and I just puked up a storm. I started to cry and get pretty upset. It felt good to cry really hard because I hadn't cried like that for a long time. It's weird because I use to cry a lot but now I feel so numb. Anyway, I was just thinking how I'll never be happy with myself and I'll never lose weight again and how everything has gone to shit. I was thinking how I'm 19 years old and still yearning for a relationship with my dad and how pathetic that is. I started to cry over my dad and how I wanted him ot love me. Then I felt dumb for crying over something like that..like when there is so many things out there that are worse then parent relationships gone wrong. I got angry at myself for being so dumb and cried at being such a failure at everything. I knew deep inside I wanted to be thin because i'm never good at anything and I just want to suceed at anything. Since I was a child, attention has been something I've yearned to recieve and i've never been one to recieve it. I know another reason why I want to get really thin is for that attention. But it's now so skewed and messed up in my head: I can't fix what's really truth and lies. I truly believe I need to be thin. I truly believe I am too fat. I truly hate who I am. And sometimes I just want to be left alone. The reasons for starting and ending and everything has gotten shaken up somewhere amongst this.
I hate my mom. I can't stand the way she looks at me when I walk by and when she eats and when she stands in the kitchen and grazes. I can't stand the way she coughs loudly for months on end. I can't stand the way she stays up really late like me so I can't binge. I hate the way she acts like a 5 year old. I hate the way she makes me cry. I hate the fact that without extraggeration I wish she was dead.
I hate this house and how dirty it is and the bugs that are always flying around and how I'm constantly looking for those bugs. I hate that when I tried to clean it I gave up because it was too overwhelming. I hate how I don't like to prepare food in the kitchen because I feel like it'll get contaminated in the kitchen. I hate how I can't eat canteloupe my dad cuts anymore because he leaves it out and I'm afraid a bug might've landed on it...even though he now covers it with a paper towel. I feel like the air in our kitchen is sickly.
I hate that I want to binge right now even though I feel too fat to, too tired to, and not hungry. I just feel like it. Like I have to in order to go to bed. I want my mom out of the kitchen so i can go to bed.
I hate how self-destructive I am because I wouldn't mind dying to get away from all of these things.