2005-09-24, 1:20 p.m.
I apologize for my lack of updates. Assuming people keep track of how frequently I update, but whatever. Program keeps me so busy and so exhausted. I'm getting use to the routine of it all and I'm starting to like it. Now that it's the weekend I'm sad to have empty time and lack of structure. I wish it was sunday night so I could just go to bed and wake up to go to program. I'm too fucked up to depend on myself to make rash decisions about what I eat and do with my time.
I'm trying to recall where I left off in my week. Wednesday was hard having my food plan. I ended up purging my lunch and I didn't tell anyone. I still haven't told anyone and probably never will have to. Thursday was difficult because Laura, the nutritionist, was with us half of the day. She really pressured me to eat my snack and lunch. I ate all of my snack and a good amount of my lunch. It was hard. I didn't eat a lot of my afternoon snack, though, because there was another conselor there and she didn't pressure me as much. Friday I didn't eat nearly as much in program because there was different people on duty and they didn't pressure me. It's hard to eat when people don't pressure me because I feel like I don't want to eat if no one cares if I do. Laura also convinced me to give up my diet pills to another counselor but since the counselor doesn't know I'm suppose to give them over to her I keep not giving them to her. I want her to say "Where are the pills?" instead of me explaining that I was suppose to give them to her. On Monday, when I have follow up with Laura, I'm sure she'll ask about them and I'll have to give them over.
Emotionally, Friday was my hardest day all and all. I really felt on edge all morning. I cried in group and explained I felt confused and frustrated. I also explained, because it was on topic, I am use to having to do things alone but I'm tired of it and wish I had people to help me. I wish my dad could drive me there because I'm tired of driving. I wish I had some support. I wish I had some friends. I wish I wasn't so alone and lonely. I was feeling (and still do feel) at a really confusing place with my eating disorder. My head tells me I'm really fat and need to starve and can't eat and need to lose weight but another side of me says I want to recover and I don't know how to do both at the same time. I'm in the room at program but I don't know what I'm doing because at home I'm doing body checks and measuring my thighs and doing insane exercises hoping it will undue the food I ate there. I need to choose one and go with it. I need to trust. But my body is decieving me and I can't trust either...the program or my body. I feel crazy. So I cried in frustration. Cried because I felt this way and cried because I got myself into this mess and cried because I am this way.
This weekend I am doing a no-purge test. I am limiting myself to 800 calories a day and will not allow myself to purge. I am telling myself I can purge Monday (after program of course) but Just Do Not Purge This Weekend and eat up to 800 calories. I am allowing myself diet pills to get through the weekend. I don't know what I'm trying to accomplish. I think I'm trying to lose weight. I get weighed on Monday from the nutritionist so that's partially my reasoning and triggering. I did a stupid thing last night and weighed myself after I purged and did not like the number. Must get lower.
I honestly don't know what the fuck I'm doing and what the fuck is wrong with me. This is not suppose to be my mindsight right now. Sometimes I get this inkling in the back of my head that program is making me worse. That because it's making me so much more aware of my eating and weight that it's making me want to fall deeper into my eating disorder.