2005-09-26, 5:24 p.m.
Today was not good. I woke up feeling in a funk and the day spiraled downwards drastically. In the morning I saw the nutrionist who reviewed my food journal and weighed me. She recommends residential. She asked me how I felt about that and I said I didn't want to go. She asked what I have got out of this program and I just cried and said "I don't know." I cried and left her office feeling really out of it.
In reaction my mood made a complete 180 that morning. Instead of feeling depressed in morning session I was chatty and bubbly. I stuffed down all feelings. At lunch I took a big "fuck you" angry attitude. I took my assigned meal plan food, but put a salad on the side and decided to just eat that. But then the nutriotionist came in and again my attitude made a change and my heart raced and I froze up..like a child caught doing something bad. She got on me all lunch to eat and I stuffed down tears while I forced down half a sandwich. While I ate, I planned my escape route to the bathroom. Laura kept having to tell me to "stay with us" because I kept spacing out. After lunch Laura told the afternoon counselor to have someone with me at all times. rawr.
I did a puzzle for awhile then slipped out and puked. After I puked I heard someone open the communal bathroom doors. I froze up. I looked through the cracks and noticed it was the afternoon counselor. I waited for her to enter the stall next to me and slid out, washed my hands, and left quickly before she finished her buisness. Sneaky sly fox, I was.
During afternoon session I was spacey and fighting tears. Finally I just got up and went outside. I heard Lisa, the counselor I don't like(whom almost caught me puking) asking me where I was going but I just kept walking. For 45 min I cried and walked around. When I came back, Lisa SCOLDED me. I yelled at her back saying "Do you think taking that tone at me is going to help right now?!" We argued for awhile, then I finally blurted out "I'm in a bad mood because they want to send me to residential, OKAY?!" We talked about that the rest of the afternoon. I ate half my snack and left quickly so I could beat traffic.
I guess they're going to talk about my treatment tomorrow. Every week all of the staffing people talk about the patients and their progress and status and stuff. I don't want to go inpatient. I'm fucking scared and sad and depressed and mad.