2005-11-29, 12:54 a.m.
My body feels like shit.
My asshole feels like it's ripping open due to excessive diaharea. My legs are cramping from 4 b/p sessions today. My hands won't quick shaking from dehydration and fucked up electrolytes and potassium. My head is throbbing and my arms and legs have open sores on them from popping and picking bumps. My leg and stomach have long, red, open scratches from scratching myself with a safety pin when I was at oceanaire.
I'm a mess. And I fucking hate myself for leaving oceanaire. What the hell was I thinking returning to this life style? I'm quickly remembering the late nights up of bingeing and purging, tearing my body apart, and generally feeling like shit.
I feel hopeless and majorly depressed. I tried to clean my room today to make it more liveable but it felt overwhelming. My mom is being a fucking bitch. My dad told me of a dream he had that included killing my mom.
I'm stuck in this hell hole and I'm majorly messed up in the head. I can't get rid of the disease that's destroying my mind and life. I'm not strong enough.
I want to see Julio or Rita or Greg. All the good people I've had in my life are gone. Julio wouldn't get me in this week. He said if there is a cancelation he'll call me, but I feel betrayed and alone because in the past he'd move someone on his scheduel if I was distressed or needed to get in. I'm having a nervous breakdown and he's mad at me.
I'm mad at me.