2005-12-01, 12:10 a.m.
Something I pondered over at St. Joseph's and Oceanaire and even now is the idea of just how bad does things have to get before I'm ready to make some changes?
Things have gotten pretty bad and I feel completely numb to it. I know I'm upset and having a hard time (it's weird to think like that..I feel so disconected from myself) but it's like I'm just watching myself go through the day. If I think about Oceanaire and get a longing, sad feeling inside I immediatly advert my mind and try to block the feelings. I just can't fucking deal with it. I'm the queen of avoidance but my stress of this mistake is getting in the way of every aspect of my life once again. I've never really had a hard time sleeping, well, that's not entirely true. I have a hard time getting myself to bed because I feel like my day isn't completed yet or I just get anxious but I never had a problem sleeping in. I could stay up till whatever time of the evening and sleep in however long I wanted even if it was till 4 PM to get my appropriate amount of sleep. But now I'm still staying up super late and waking up at the time I use to get up at oceanaire. These past few days I've woken up super early for days I don't have anything planned. I woke up at 7:30 the morning after I left, then at 7:10 the following day, and then this morning I woke up at 8:15. The odd thing is I've progressively gone to bed later so I thought my body would finally give out and I'd be able to sleep in. However, the moment I wake up in the morning my mind starts to race and my heart pounds and I can't get myself to fall asleep no matter how tired I am. By 8:30 tonight I was wiped but I still felt like I had to follow through with my binge/purge routine.
I'm also worried about how much I'm b/ping these past few days. My mouth is literally raw and sore to a point where it hurts to chew on one side of my mouth because the gums are so tender. I don't know if the pain in my mouth is from the physical eating or just the excessive purging but on Monday I had four purge sessions, yesterday I had six and today I managed to squeek by with only three...mostly because I'm so exhausted of the idea of throwing up more makes me seriously depressed. What is even more depressing is how my days have been playing out. Today I got up at 8:15, came on the computer, ate some popcorn for breakfast, and tried not to let myself binge. By 11:30 I was bingeing (after several hours on the computer) and by 2:15 I was purging then in the shower. After I got out of the shower my mom came home with some groceries (see where this is going?) I thought I should have a yogurt to actually keep down. The yogurt had 150 calories which I was uncomfortable with but decided to have anyway. I decided if I'm going to have it, I'll have some granola with it too. But the granola bar was 130 calories and I couldn't fathom keeping down nearly 300 calories so I ate the yogurt and granola bar and the triggered me into a binge RIGHT AFTER I JUST FINISHED PURGING AND SHOWERING. What the fuck? After that I went to walmart and see's candy (I bought myself a pound gift card..oi vei) and barnes and noble. On the way home I stopped at the gas station and bought 2 sandwiches, a pack of cookies, a bag of chips, and marblo lites with my dad's chevron card. Continuing down that street I pulled into mcdonalds and got 2 double cheese burgers. By the time I got home it was about 8:30. My dad went to bed shortly after and guess what I did?
I just took some sleeping pills to try to force me to get a decent amount of sleep tonight.
I've been e-mailing Julio for..well...several weeks and over these last few e-mails I've noticed a change in my tone. I've gone from being this distant reporter..just stating what's going on with very little feelings...to this desparatly pleading, patheticly needy person. I'm trying not to beg Julio to have a session with me but I keep communicating that I need support, I can't do this alone, and in my last e-mail "please don't push me away right now." I think I'm interpreting Julio's encouragment for me to go back to Oceanaire as him being annoyed with me and not wanting to see me anymore. My usual response to that would be to get all upset, just suck it up, and wait for them to make the move but at this point of my life I'm just so desparate. I almost don't care how pathetic I sound as long as Julio will talk to me but the problem with that is that it ruins parts of the relationship I liked..like feeling like he wanted to talk to me and enjoyed my company..not that it's an obligation. This last e-mail from him I didn't even bother replying to because I didn't know what to say. The passive side of me wants to not reply till he makes the move and approahes me via e-mail but the desparate side of me wants to tell him how I'm really feeling and take a chance that he'll react poorly. I feel like everything I want to do is wrong. If I tell him how I'm really feeling: that i'm sorry for being so needy and i'm sorry for being so demanding and i'm sorry for fucking up so bad..I'm sure he'd be angry that i'm so sorry. If I just let him approach me I risk the chance of not getting the attention and care I need right now and just push me further down this slippery slope of addiction.
I just don't know how to communicate that I'm in dire need without sounding pathetic and melodramatic.
On an unrelated topic, I'm having trouble finding things to do since I got home. Staying home and wallowing in my self-pity isn't as satisfying as it use to be or I thought it would be at Oceanaire. I want to do something productive like get a job or find some way to earn money; I want to volunteer because I really want to socialize with something..anything..;or just find something i'm interested in whether it be crafting or OA meetings. I wish I had a passion like drawing or painting but all the things that seem like possible passions I just really suck at and get discouraged. I have a hard time decierving what I really enjoy and what I think would be neat to enjoy.
I'm beat. My body is sore and hurts and fat from bingeing and purging so much. I'm gaining even more bloody weight. At any rate, I'm going to try to sleep and not worry about what to write to Julio and the situation with Oceanaire and what the hell I am going to do tomorrow and the rest of the week for that matter.