2005-12-28, 9:15 p.m.
I am truly fucked up.
So that guy I lost my virginity to...the really stupid thing I did with the really stupid guy...
I called him today. I mean, come on, Melissa. I know you're lonely but WTF are you thinking. I saw Chronicles of Narnia with him. He held my hand. He kissed me in his car. I wanted to scream so loud to make it all stop. It felt unreal. Why the fuck did I put myself back in that situation.
I bit my nails in nervousness because I knew he'd try to sleep with me again. After the movie he suggested we get dinner and "hang" at his place. ya, ok, NO. I had brains enough this time to stop it before it started. When we got to his place, where my car was, I said I had to go. He kissed me and held me for awhile and I just waited for it to be over. Then I speed walked to my car.
I went to the gas station and spent my dad's gas card money on food. I was embarassed at seeing the same guy who always works evenings, around my age, look at me funny and tell me to have a goodnight over my pile of junk food. Next I went to the grocery store and got overwhelmed by christmas discount food and blew all my money. On the way home, anxious as hell, I screamed. Right there in my car I just screamed till I felt calm. I was just so frustratedf with myself.
Then I ate.
That's all I know how to do: eat and throwup. I can't maintain a healthy relationship with any of my friends, I can't avoid unhealthy reltionships, I can't control myself when it comes to money (i bought MORE clothes today).
At Oceanaire, Dr. Kim advised me to do the opposite of whatever i wanted. His theory was that I have fucked up impulses and ideas of what is right and ok. So whatever I want to do or feel like doing is wrong.
That is seriously confusing me. I don't know if i'm fat or thin or if people think i'm pretty or are lying. I don't know who is a good friend for me or if I should ditch some people. I don't know if I should Dr. Kim again this week or wait for him to call me.
I don't know up from down or right from wrong.
Sometimes I just want to destruct. I see what Dr. Kim is saying when all I want to do is whatever is bad for me. I hope to self-destruct or horribly hurt myself: i never wear a seat belt, i take drugs people say could kill me, i don't eat when i know i should and i throw up when i know i could fight the urge.
All in all, this is all my fault.