2006-02-27, 5:20 p.m.
bulimia is not as good as anorexia.
I seriously feel like that lately.
I'm in a PHP program and it seems like the only people who matter, are sick, and the staff are concerned with are the ones with anorexia.
Today for lunch I made a wrap with a trader joe's tortilla. I noticed it was little shy of 2 grains, but decided to see if Laura (the dietician) noticed. I wasn't going to grab extra grains if I didn't need it.
she didn't notice. She never notices. I know it's not her job to babysit every bite of food I put into my mouth, but I feel like if I were anorexic, then it'd matter more.
It makes me feel like I'm too fat for how much I'm eating. My meals are embarresingly smaller than the other patients (because they are on refeeding) and i feel like I have a neon sign pointing to me saying "Fat bulimic."
It's even worse dealing with my weight because though I've gained 20 lbs, I still feel like I'm 80 lbs because thats who I was for so long. I seriously don't recognize myself and try to avoid looking at my body. I just wish I was still 80 lbs and maybe I'd matter.
Not only does the dietician not care if I'm exact, she hasn't checked my food journal in ages. Though if an anorexic misses a grain the previous day, she has them make it up. I miss all my grains and protein on dinner, and It's barely acknowledged the next day.
I'm not sure if this is making sense. It makes sense in my head. I just feel less of a patient because I'm not underweight anymore. I feel like I'm not sick enough, not good enough, and not cared about.