2006-03-02, 4:20 p.m.
I feel like I'm doing really good at St. Joseph's right now. Maybe it's the prozac, but I feel my mind waking up for the first time in ages. I'm able to process more information and evaluate things at a deeper level. I just generally feel more aware. I'm asking myself why I'm bingeing and what drove me to it instead of disassociating.
Today was really good with the dietician. I was able to talk about a lot of my food phobias. I explained how most of my fear foods are my favorite foods. The dietician expressed concern that if I wasn't having a satisfying meal, that I'll feel deprived and be set up to binge. She was also questioning whether or not to up my meal plan but since I haven't been able to nail it 100% yet, she is hesistant to do that. I expressed how I have fears of eating the meal plan because i feel like I can't afford to gain the weight...it's so hard to push myself and be uncomfortable in the area of my body and weight because it's already so uncomfortable as is. Laura (Dietician) said that I could gain a few pounds and shouldn't worry. I was really shocked to hear that. I've felt like I can't gain weight and can't eat more than I'm eating and she gave me a little room for that. That was good to hear. Laura challenged me to try some of my fear foods as I'm there. Both her and I are concerened becaues I'm doing so so good with rediscovering myself and learning about myself at St. Josephs...but the purging hasn't stopped. To put me in residential could disrupt emotional progress, but could be good for my physical progress.
I'm doing a lot of good work that I need to journal about more. It's good to remind myself and have it written down so I can remind myself what i'm doing good when i'm feeling down.