2006-03-18, 12:00 a.m.
It's been such a long week. I need to get back into the habit of updating this daily. I'm just so emotionally drained coming home from St. Joseph's that I can't even fathom reiterating all my feelings and what went on.
Let's start with Monday. Monday we get weighed in by Laura, the dietician. She didn't have time to go over our food journals (thank god...) but she asked how we were feeling and checked our weight. I told her I feel a lot better than last Monday but I've been really anxious about my weight. I also confessed to taking phentermine all weekend. She asked if I could bring it in and I said I have it with me today. She asked me to get it and bring it to her. Before I walked back into her office, I pocketed 3 of the pills. I then handed over my 95 dollar bottle of pills, reluctantly. I asked her to tell me what my weight has been doing (up? down? stable?) and shared with her my concerns regarding it. She told me two weeks ago it went down, then last week I regained the weight. She told me I am in my target weight range and I nearly flipped over the idea. I can't comprehend not being underweight. I felt so fat that I didn't eat my snack (picked at it then threw it out...pretending to be done) and I threw up my lunch. I barely touched afternoon snack as well.
Tuesday morning I saw my psychiatrist at Julio's office. I told my psych that I don't think the prozac is working anymore and I can't take the ambien since i was eating in my sleep on it. He didn't write me a new prescription or up my dosage, so I was a little frustrated. I get to St. Joseph's, pretend to eat my snack, and doodle in group. My anxiety was high. I had my legs over the arm of the chair and I couldn't stop kicking it up and down...nervous shaking. The psychiatrist at St. Josephs led a group with us. He asked if any of us had questions. I told him I did. He acknowledged me, sat down, then MOVED ON to another person. I was now getting really frustrated. When he finally got to me I told him my concerns with the prozac and ambien. He nodded, and moved on. That was that. Now I was really pissed. I shut down and tuned out the group till lunch. Laura, the RD, came at Lunch. I've been getting along with her a lot better lately. I'm strangely comfortable with her. Lunch cheered me up because I talked to Laura. It was rather strange seeing as if she use to scare the hell out of me. After lunch, I asked Laura if she could reveal my yesterday's weight trend. She didn't want to tell me on the day I get weighed to put some "space" between it. She pulled my chart and told me she can't remember off hand so it must've been okay. I was disapointed inside. But then when she checked she said I loss a significant amount of weight that in no way could be dehydration or anything like that..it was real weight. I was thrilled to hear this but tried to act non-chalant.
Wednesday was rough. Rita and the rest of us did a lot of talk about family and expectations. I saw Julio that afternoon and filled him in with how group is going. I mentioned that one of the girls was really suprised how different my mom looked from when I was a child to now(I brought in pictures). Instead of describing it to Julio, I said "oh, let me show you." He ended up looking at the stack of pictures. Pictures from when I was a baby, adolescent, high school dances, diving, and my car wreck. He made a comment about one of the diving ones...my posed picture on the ladder of the pool. He said I looked "sexy". That sparked a whole new realm. We talked about how I can't see sex as a loving act, it always seems dirty and wrong. We tried to figure out why I didn't want to look sexy. I guess I have all the after affects of sexual abuse..but no recall of that happening to me. He kind of drilled me for a bit "your dad? your uncle? your brother? are you sure?" I thought intently but nothing came to mind. Julio told me to journal about sexuality and what it means to be womanly. I journaled about it, but couldn't come up with any whys..just my feelings about it.
Thursday morning was Laura, RD. She checked our journals and had us update our "fear foods" list. When she looked at my last few days, I confessed the reason I have been "shaving" my food in program is because I'm afraid of the weight. That suprised her. She asked why I wasn't reassured from what she told me and I said "now i feel like I have to work harder to keep it that way." She noticed I was shaking and asked if I was taking the "magic" pills. I lied, and said no. I didn't take it that day (yet) but I'm sure I had the after affects of it from the previous day. I puked lunch (didn't eat first snack -- even with Laura there) and then we had Rita in the afternoon. The topic got heavy and suddenly I was very, very depressed. Trying not to cry. They were talking about parents and what we deserve and don't deserve. I tuned it out because it was hitting too close to home. My mind was really, really negative. I kept thinking "but I DO deserve anything bad. i'm horrible." Rita inquired if I was still connected to the group and I shook my head. She asked me if I needed to process something and I shook my head again. After the group, she asked if I was okay. I said I guess, and explained what was up. I told her I don't feel like a good person, I got what I deserve, and I don't know how I'd know differently. She said "because I'm telling you. You deserve so much more, Melissa. You did NOT deserve to get screwed over by your parents. They may not of told you that, but I am." I nodded my head and tried to hide the fact I was crying. That day I came home exhausted and took a nap as soon as I got home.
Then TODAY. We had Rita in the morning. I was in a lot better mood then I was the previous afternoon. I was able to talk about a lot of things from the past. I expressed how I feel like it's too late to work through this stuff because it's so long ago. Rita asked us to identify our "critical incident" and gave us an assigment around it. I told her I couldn't think of what my critical incident was. She said "Unfortuantly, with the situation you're in, you could pick a million critical incidents." I ended up collaging about it. At lunch, Rita was leaving and Cathy the rec therapist was coming in. Before Rita left, she called me over to the other side of the room. She asked me to check how long this scarf she was working on fit on me. I tried it on and she asked me "so maybe another 4 or 5 inches?" I was kind of stunned, not wanting to assume she was making it for me but not wanting to be rude. I studdered a second and she said "just don't make a big deal out of it." and smiled. After lunch, she told me she left the yarn if I want to add fringes. I thanked her over and over and she gave me a hug. I felt so special and touched that she did that for me. But now I'm kind of freaking out because I want her to know how thankful I am but I don't want to "make a big deal out of it" and get her a card when it's unnecessary. I just hope she could tell how thankful I was when she gave it to me. Now I'm over analyzing my words and the tone of my voice and beating myself up for not saying it better. Gah, Rita is amazing.
When we had Cathy in the afternoon, I got really depressed again like the previous day. I think it was a mixture of processing heavy stuff and the fact that I felt Cathy was ignoring me. My logical side said that she was trying to get to know the new people and help them to feel included, but my illogical side said "she's over you. she hates you." When it was time to go, I lagged behind trying to clean my stuff up and grab all my things. Cathy and I were the last ones out. We chatted a bit and before she departed into the nurse's station and I down the stairs, she said "if you are struggling over the weekend.." then she mouthed this "call me!" I smiled and said I will. I felt better when she offered that to me.
Ok, my brain is fried.