2006-03-21, 9:44 p.m.
I'm fallign behind again. Bleh.
I've been really depressed, again. I am bummed the prozac isn't working like it use to.
Yesterday I left St. Joseph's early because I got so frustrated with the group. Then I got offended that no one noticed I left. Today I therapy in the morning then went home instead of to St. Josephs. Again, I'm offended no one called me to question my absence today. Julio and I talked about it, though. I do this in a lot of areas of my life - if i'm caught, i get mad, if i'm not caught, i get mad and hurt.
Julio wants me to walk through this instead of dropping out again. I always hit this point in my treatment - where I get sick of it, want to drop out, drop out, regret it, and go back. Julio thinks i should talk about this so i deal with whatever keeps coming up.
It was a good appointment today. I was very honest about not wanting to recover anymore but not wanting to drop out. I said I don't like to talk to other people about this stuff...only him. He said I know, this place is safe for you. It's too safe. I asked how can something be too safe? He said because you know I love you and would never abandon you and you can tell me anything. you've tested that and know nothing bad happened. However, he said, I need to test this out in the real world. His office is just a small version of the world. He asked if I came up with anything when journaling about sex, and I said yes and no. I told him I know how I feel but I don't know why I feel it. He wants me to talk to Rita or Christie.
I plan to go to St. Josephs tomorrow but I'm afraid to explain my absence in an honest matter. I can't see myself saying "I didn't come because I'm over recovery and I wanted to binge and purge."
And I did binge. Way too much. Went to gas station, made food at home, ate all of it, and then puked till the water was clear. I fell asleep right after...my body was so beat.
I'm doing the old trick of taking sleeping pills early in the evening to keep me from bingeing. I'm really exhausted (from pills, and physically) so i think i'll manage getting to bed without a second binge/purge.