2006-03-22, 11:48 p.m.
Binge. Purge. Binge. Purge. Exhaustion. My body is achey and my hands won't stop shaking and I'm so fucking exhausted. I don't know why I'm so bloody tired lately. In group I can barely keep my eyes open and when I wake up in the morning it takes every bit of strength in me to convince myself to get out of bed. When I get home from group, I take a nap. I don't want to, but I can't keep my body up right. I don't know what's going on with me. I wonder if it's nutrition related but my eating habits haven't changed that much.
I did go today and got drilled why I didn't show up yesterday. I kept repeating in my head "just be honest. just be honest." so I tried to explain honestly why I didn't show up. I picked at my morning snack. I had a hard time staying awake during group. They came and took my blood because I guess the dietician ordered it. During morning snack, I was talking to the rec therapist, Cathy, about my appointment with Julio and how I'm currently doing. They want me to see an ED therapist on top of Julio and I told Cathy I asked the case manager 80 times if my insurance said anything about it yet and I kept getting sent away. So she talked to Rita about it and Penny, the other case manager, came over to tell me she was going to call about it. I heard Cathy talking to Rita about it saying she suggested some female therapist and I said I don't know, I'm not really good with females. I heard her say "she's fine with you, but..." They seemed to be talking about me for awhile. I picked up bits and pieces of the conversation, but from across the room on the other side of the table all I knew was they were looking at me while talking. Penny came over and asked me if I'd like Rita as a therapist because she'd be willing to work with me. I was really happy to hear she suggested that and said I'd love to work with her. I guess I'll find out if my insurance will pay for two therapists tomorrow.
At lunch, I wanted to try the soup. I put a spoon through it and determined it would count for one veggie and one grain. So I knew I needed one more grain, 2 protiens, and a fruit. I grabbed an extra plate and put on rice and chicken and some grapes. Rita started to majorly get on my case. She said I didn't have enough protein. I said I need 2-3 and what I had was 2. She said it wasn't enough and to take ALL the chicken from this salad. I argued for a minute, saying that's way too much. It WAS way too much. Then she said I have to get a half cup of beans. I said that would be way way too much protein and grain. She said to me quietly "melissa. i can't have you losing. get the beans." So I assume that means I lost weight again this week. I started to grab a few pieces of carrots when she said "melissa. you know veggies come last. i'd rather you get beans." Frustrated, I dropped the carrot in my hand and spooned out the beans. THEN she started telling me it wasn't half a cup. After I had WAY too much food on my plate, I put the soup back, frustrated and defeated. Just as I thought I was going to be left alone, Rita asked me where my fat is for this meal. I said I don't have a fat at lunch. She asked when I have it, and I said afternoon snack and dinner. She said because she's not sure I'm going to have it with dinner, she wants me to grab some nuts now. I tried not to get angry because I know Rita is doing what she thinks is right, but I started to feel really overwhelmed and frustrated. I grabbed the nuts and put them on my fruit. Rita left and Cathy ate with us so I didn't eat the nuts. I left some of the food behind. I asked if I could go smoke and Cathy said not by myself. What the fuck? Is everyone catching on? Before I'd be trusted to go off by myself. Two girls volunteered to go with me but when we were downstairs I lied and said I had to go make a phone call and I'll meet them outside in a second. I scurried off to the bathroom, puked, went out and smoked, and returned to group.
After group, I came home, ate and threw up, went to the gas station, ate and threw up, and now I'm eating frozen yogurt. I'm so, so tired. I know tomorrow morning I'm going to be exhausted and be kicking myself for not getting more sleep.
Tomorrow is going to be a long day.