2006-07-26, 5:57 p.m.
it's amazing how soothing a good cry is.
i saw julio this morning after not sleeping all night. i tried to explain to him how i understand i'm physically capable of getting myself help but i feel like i'm not. he kept saying i'm bullshitting and making exusces which frustrated me because i really don't think i am. it's hard to explain how impossible it feels and how there feels like a wall or very thick clouds over all my emotions. i guess that was the wrong thing to say because this afternoon i lost it.
this guy promised meth if we hung out. he sounded really cool and nice on the phone. the guy who showed up infront of my house was not what i expected. he drove a beat up dirty car, was in dirty clothing, and looked like a bum. my radar went off right away that he was bad news. in his hot, dirty, smelly apartment we fucked. he was forceful and aggressive and disgusting. i went into his bathroom and broke out into tears. i felt sick to my stomach and like i was going to vomit. i snuck downstairs, out his apartment complex, and walked home. when i got home i started to really lose it. i text messaged this guy begging to buy meth off him. he called me and calmed me down telling me not to use anything and asked me to talk to him. he is one of the nicest guys i've met, if not the nicest, from such a horrible drug. i felt calmer after i got off the phone from him. i went upstairs and ran a bath. i dunked my head under the bath water and screamed as loud as i possible could. i cried and cried till i wasn't pacing and feeling like throwing something or hurting myself. i feel a lot better now. still like hell but not like using. i'm going to try to take it easy tonight and get some sleep.
but i feel lower than dirt. used. filthy. i'm basically a meth whore. and i hate myself so much.