2006-07-27, 11:08 p.m.
I have so many bad addictions and ways of coping. If i'm not doing meth I'm bingeing and purging. If I'm not bingeing and purging or doing meth I shop. I always need something to fill the void and distract my mind.
Today I watched two movies which just fanned the flame of depression. One was All Dogs go to Heaven. I use to watch that as a kid and seeing this orphan sing and yearn for parents made me break down crying. She sings about if she just believes she will find parents. I want to have that same hope but Julio and I have been working on moving on from that and stop believing my parents will change. The loneliness is so evident. Not just loneliness in general but wanting a care taker. More specifically, a parent. Everytime I think of Laura or Rita or Cathy i feel my heart sink.
And all the feelings I numbed out while whoring myself are coming at full force. Just taking my shirt off reminds me of guys taking my shirt off in the same fashion. I get so disgusted and physically ill everytime I think about it. I already have fucked up views of relationships and sex and this just makes things even harder.
Julio said he'll be happy to teach me about relationships because I don't know how to have them but i have to get out there and have relationships for him to counsel me on. I feel like no one would or could ever want to be my friend. That sounds like I'm playing the "nobody likes me everybody hates me" card, but I wouldn't like me. If I were to see someone like me in a group I wouldn't approach myself. there is no reason for anyone to be my friend. Which just brings me back to wanting someone who will love me unconditionally and despite the fact that i'm unloveable, unlikable, and unapproachable. i want a fucking parent. i got screwed.