2006-08-17, 2:20 p.m.
my supply is getting very low...which makes me get careless and desparate. I try to think of who I know who has some and what I would have to do to get it. Should I e-mail so-and-so and tell them I want to see them? Or finally agree to meet up with so-and-so that i've been avoiding? Or I think, how can I get fast money? Should I email the guy who gave me 150 to sleep with him?
And at the same time, it isn't doing what it use to do for me. I need more. I need it again. I need it now. I'm using so frequently I don't know how to function without it. I'm finding myself already freaking out because I feel this ending. I need something ELSE to be better but what is stronger and better than this shit?
On Tuesday, I met up with Joe in the late afternoon at an outside mall. My day already was going shitty and I felt like I was losing it. I got there earlier than Joe so I walked to the gas station, got cigarettes, walked back, and went to use the bathroom. I went into the handicap stall and let my head fall into the bathroom door with a klunk. I tried to breath....breath in...breath out...calm down. But instead I kicked the door, kicked the wall, and let my fingernails dig into my arms. I let out a single sob before I wrapped my arms around my knees and cried in a ball. Without Joe being my numbing drug, I started to freak out. I kept thinking how I can't live in this house anymore but I can't get out. Everything seemed big and overwhelming all of a sudden and my only answer was i have to die die die. i always run run run. I stopped as sudden as i started, got up, walked to the sink, pressed a wet paper towel to my eyes, and went numb.
Last night my dad and I got in a fight. We don't fight very much. I was irritable and tired. He had his music blasting all day and I was so tired of the loudness. I kept turning it down and he kept turning it back up. Finally he flipped out at me and said "STOP TOUCHING IT." I replied calmly, it's too loud. I can't think. He said he didn't care, it's his house, his day off, and if he wants music playing then he has the right. He went on a total rant...saying how he pays the bills and works all day to pay those bills. I told him how about common respect? He went on and on about how he gets this and he gets that. I said sarcastically, "i know. it's always all about you. whatever it takes to make things easier on you." he lost it, screaming at me. saying how i'm an adult and to get the fuck out. i tried to calmly reply that if you have children you can't expect it to be all about you anymore and he has responsibilities to me. he said i'm not a kid anymore. i snapped well, you did such a great fucking job as a parent when you had those responsibilities, SURE, you have every right to what you want now. THANKS DAD." I went upstairs and took a bath, and went to bed shortly after. This morning he called for my mom as if nothing happened, as usual, and i replied with one word answers and hung up when he said okay i will call back later.
In the bathtub last night, I kept trying to calm myself down. I didn't want him to have that affect on me and i didn't want him to make me feel guilty. I got more angry and more angry as I thought GOD he's lucky i didn't kill myself as a teen because it'd be blood on HIS hands. he's lucky he got away with the shit he did. That's when it finally hit me HOW the best revenge would be to get the eff out of the house and succeed. Then I could give him a big fuck you: have a GREAT time with your bat-shit crazy wife, shit-hole home, dead-end job, and ZERO social life. Pat yourself on your back for all your blessings: no friends, 3 kids who resent you, and an empty home.
i wish i could say that to him.