2006-08-20, 5:52 p.m.
It's nice to be busy for good reasons. It's nice that the reason I haven't been updating isn't because I'm avoiding writing about something, but rather that I'm not at home too much.
Two days ago I had dan the gay man over with a straight friend of his. The time was innocent enough. We smoked what was left in his pipe but that just made me want more. They were really spun already and I felt a little behind the point where you feel great. The straight friend of Dan's admitted to having a foot fetish, which was kind of funny because he was so embarassed and reluctant to tell me. I was thinking what he was going to confess to would be something really terrible like kiddy porn or beastility. He even asked to kiss my feet and told me they were attractive. I tried not to laugh as he kissed my feet and looked so passionantly at them.
The next day ruston sold me half a gram which I've already smoked most of. That evening, I was suppose to meet Joe's girlfriend and I was so, so nervous. I couldn't find anything I wanted to wear and had to stop every 16 seconds to compose myself. Imagine me throwing clothes around, chowing on jelly bellies for comfort, and breathing into towels hanging from a rack. I smoked a shit load before I saw him. It ended up not happening which was a relief. I wanted to get it over with but putting it off was a hugeee relief. I hung out with Joe, his niece, and two of her friends. They were friendly and warm to be around but spoke spanish the whole time. I felt awkward and tiny. I never knew where to stand, what to do, and how to act. Everytime Joe walked out of the room I freaked out because I didn't know what to do with them without joe there. But damnnnn...I'm falling for Joe hard. I worry the harder I fall for him and the more I show that, the more he will pull away and get freaked out. I try to act cool about it all but it's hard to contain the emotions and feelings and i worry that if i don't, he won't know how interested i am. And for the first time in my short sexual history I enjoy being with him in that way...I'm not going through the motions or wondering when it's going to be over. Everytime he does something spontaneous like bring me to a secluded room or sneak a kiss I melt.
Today was my sister's bridal shower. I felt like such a dick because I didn't get her anything and showed up way late. My aunt from my mom's side was there and the panic button in me was alerted. She wouldn't leave me alone..kept smiling at me and telling me how good I look. Which is nice and all but then she kept asking about my mother and saying hwo bad she felt that she wasn't there. I told her straight up I didn't feel bad at all. She knows my mother is sick but doesn't know how much worse she has gotton. I tried to explain without blowing up or getting upset that no, i can't take her out to lunch or sit down and talk things out. she is far beyond that . Then my aunt starts going on and on about how i should take a dance class, exercise, and how glad she is that i'm not on anti-depressants anymore. i wanted to tell her that i support drugs 100% and the fact that i'm not on them doesn't contribute to how i'm doing right now. My aunt started poking around in my purse and noticed my cigarettes. That took another 20 min lecture how i should stop and i just bid her farewell, plastered a smile on, and walked calmy to my car. Once I got in my car the panic stopped, the anger disapaited, and I drove home feeling peaceful. Soon as I got away from the house i lit up to say "fuck you" in a passive way.
Tonight I hope to see Joe. I'm afraid he's getting sick of me and sick of my clingyness. I'm trying not to text him every 10 seconds but I really want to see him. I miss him when I don't see him...which isn't that much. I didn't see him yesterday and last Wednesday but both days I really missed him and when I saw him felt this rush of happiness like it'd been one month instead of one day.
Denial keeps this going. I try not to focus on the future of this relationship and the fact he goes home to another gal. I tell myself everything is great grand perfect couldn't be better. yup yup. Denial is bliss.