2002-01-01, 6:18 p.m.

I feel a little better today than I did yesterday. Yesterday I felt like dying, and felt so out of it that I couldn't even move. I spent the whole day in bed, and I would just randomly start crying. I had no strength to get up and rant on my diary about how yesterday I felt worse than I have in my entire life - no joke. This past week I've felt worse than I have in my entire life. Today i would randomly start to cry again too, and I didn't get out of bed till 4:00, because I kept crying. so I called my friend so I could get out of the house, but she said she was hanging out with her boyfriend and her friend, and i cried because she didnt invite me. then i finally got out of bed to shower and then i went to the bookstore. i hadn't ate anything till about 6:00pm today and now i feel a little better because i ate. i still feel like shit. i got stomach medicine - from taking the 6 aleve i think i fucked myself up some how. it was a terrible conversation in the doctor's office. it went something like this:

doctor: so stomach pains, any idea from what?

me: will any of this be told to my mom?

dr: no, all confidential

me: i took 6 aleve plus my anti-depressant medicine and since then its been really bad

dr: mmhmm..when did u do this

me: bout a week ago

dr: why did u do it

me: i dont know

dr: are you depressed

me: i guess so, im taking stuff for it

dr: what are you taking?

me: celexa

dr: how long have you been taking this

me: i dont know

(I was REALLY tired, i didnt feel like thinking or talking)

dr: are you stressed? do you cry alot? problems with a boyfriend, mother?

(im thinking 'what are you my fucking therapist??' as if he was answering my question)

dr: the reason i ask, is because stress can cause stomach pains

me: i guess, but thats not the reason for my stomach aches

dr: well lets take a look

(he checks me eyes, ears, throat, feels stomach)

GOD it was uncomfortable when he was feeling my stomach, the top of his hand kept brushing against my boobs. He prescribed some muscle relaxer or some shit like that. i havent taken any, my stomach doesnt hurt or anything anymore except when i dont eat or after i eat so i guess ill just save them to when i want to kill myself and overdose. i did get allergy pills, dont seem to do shit. i think ill take 2 tonight instead of 1.

i called my therapist office again today. i want to ask about a re-fill on my meds and if im suppose to have an appointment with stupid Dr. Hannah or whatever the hell her name is. God I hate her. I just want to go so i can rave about how the Celexa never did shit and its weak as hell anyways because its only 20mg. I also REALLY want to see if they can move my appointment with my therapist up, im going insane ad i dont feel like anyone understands anything im saying except for him. i feel like such a dork wanting to go, but hey this is MY diary, i can say whatever i want. Anyways, my appointment is for Jan 22 and thats like 3 fucking weeks from now and im going insane NOW. i guess im feeling better right now, only because im tired as hell and know im going to goto sleep and shut out the world for a second.