2002-01-09, 9:30 p.m.

I just got back from youth group. While everyone was all happy and worshiping, I wondered what it would be like to have a passion like that for god. I hate god. i hate his cruelity.

As I walked away from everyone laughing and hanging out afterwards, i dodged smiling faces and people calling out to me and walked to the back of the building and paced. I had to think. I wondered what it would be like to know im going home to a loving family. A mother that would say "hello" ask me how youth group was, school, anything. even just smile at me would be good enough for me. I wondered what it would be like to get picked up from a dad that would walk up to the door and people would call hey 'hey ed!' because hes really friendly and everyone wishes they had a dad like him. I wondered what it would be like to not drive home in silence. i wondered what it would be like to have my dad say something to me like "I read something interesting in the Bible today..." I wondered what it would be like if I had friends to laugh with too while in youth group. People that I could joke around with, stuff pillows under overalls and walk around Target just for reactions, people that I could cry with, jump on randomly, whatever. I wondered what it would be like to be happy

such a foreign feeling. I can never really say "yes, I am happy" because the minute i question if Im happy, a million thoughts and reasons bombard my mind why im NOT happy. I just watch everything come crashing down, because its all I really can do. Its just a huge mess. I guess the biggest downer is that I have no future. No hope. Nothing to look foward to. I use to look foward for my book to come in the mail or buying a new book. But I think I've bought every book on cutting and any other depressing story. if anyone knows any, email me. I have nothing now. Nothing but my benodryl to put me to sleep for hours. I wonder if my body could get immune to that? Oh well. Guess its time for bed. I'm seeing my therapist tommorow. Im scared of ruining my big change. *shrug*

So this is odd, the painful reliazation that all has gone wrong and nobody cares at all.