my day
2002-01-08, 5:55 p.m.

I don't really know anymore. I really wonder if I am insane. I seem to look at the world completely differently than I see the world look out. Half the time it feels like im on the cieling looking down at me. I feel like I am an actor, in a story book, me but not me. I don't think anyone could understand that but me.

I woke up at 7:00. I was suppose to goto Tutorial to have my English teacher look at my research paper before we have to turn it in tommorow. But when my alarm clock went off at 7, I suddenly decided I didn't care what I got on my paper, although it is a HUGE portion of our grade. I did it, didn't I? I showered, dressed, through my hair up, put on my face makeup, and gathered myself. I refuse to do my hair anymore till its cut and dyed, its so terrible I dont even want to deal with it. a little above my shoulders, but to me, thats way to long. Im getting it cut short Saturday and dying it myself the same day. On Thursday im getting my eyebrows waxed. Nothing too special, I dont want to sound like someone obsessive over my looks, this week I just have a couple appointments for myself so its on my mind.

Algerbra was extremely boring today, as usual. I have no patients for my teachers terrible teaching anymore, I just read. Oh, by the way, I got a new book. "Cut" by Patricia Mccormick. I just got it yesterday but I LOVE it. I read it mostly last night, and finished it in Algerbra and History today. Go buy it. Now. Then P.E. we learned the torturious news that we have to run half a mile everyday and the mile once a week. Blah. I don't want to run. Its not that I die during it, its just that I much rather crawl in a corner and not be noticed. History we watched a movie as I doodled and wrote down nothing. I went to Church after school because Christie had a meeting. Pastor Gary came in Rod's office and asked him to find someone in the Youth Group to design the Church's website. Rod immediatly looked up and pointed at me. Gary asked if I was good with computers, i said 'i guess' really quiet. He said it would be an awesome ministry and I should really think about it. I have the time, the knowledge, and talent to do it, im just afraid of messing up and people looking at me and saying 'okay, never mind, we'll find someone else to do it.'So we'll see where that goes. I really want to cut. Really really bad. So im going to. I took a couple benodryl and im going to go wash my face and brush my teeth and goto bed early. Its only 6pm. I dont like to be awake anymore, its so easy to just goto sleep and forget about the world. Before I goto sleep, Im going to cut, cut the world away, cut all my fears, tears, and miseary away. I'll stare at the blood, watch it drip, then ill bandage the cuts that havent stopped bleeding after im done embracing the feeling, and goto sleep with that wonderful, farmiliar throbbing feeling. *nod* goodye.