2002-03-13, 9:49 p.m.

everything is impossible. I wish I could dream like others and be satisfied with just dissasociating and pretending im anywhere but here.

i feel stupid going to my therapist. how retarted is that? i feel like he thinks i shouldnt be there and is just sucking me for my money and doesnt really care.

i dont really have anything to talk about anymore. what i really want to do is just cry, hug my knees tight against my chest, and rock back and fourth and just bawl, let it all out.

unfortunatly, i just cant do it. when i think of doing it, it just seems to stupid. so pointless. like big whoop de fucking do. i feel like shit, now what?

i wish everyone would just leave me alone and i could cry. im so tired of school, and being forced to function. i ditched my spanish class today, and i know my teacher saw. i dont care anymore.

what the hell is bothering me? something about seeing Julio is bothering me. It just feels so meaningless. so empty. its like waving hope infront of my face and everytime i reach out to grab it they laugh as they pull it away. I say to Julio atleast once everytime i see him "help me." i want him to help me, but he wont. he is waiting for me to take the first step.

well fuck the first step, i need something done before i slit my throat.

too weak to wonder, too tired to care. Jesus Christ, are you really there?