the usual
2002-06-16, 12:16 p.m.

I got my period, so people can stop saying im undernourished and what not.

I think my body understands now that I am not going to keep much down. Its getting easier and easier to get rid of food and my throat is getting more sore and more sore. I had a salad with fat free dressing on it, so I think I am okay. But I ate a few fries and a ton of ketchup (yes, I eat ketchup plain) and 2 starbursts jelly beans and a chocolate mint thing so i purged till I saw salad. Its not like I purge everything till I get acid or anything. It isnt bad at all. I just keep down what has negative or little calories. I'm down to 102 now, so thats alot better then at 105. I got down to 100 1/2lb. That was my ultimate lowest. I hope to get past that. I have a feeling I'll do really bad today if I don't take a nap so I won't eat. Or I have to eat a ton of that soup I made that has negative calories, but I am getting so sick of it. I'm also getting sick of purging because my throat and stomach hurts really bad on top of cramps. I need to find some aleve or I'll scream.

The message at Church today was really really good. The new director for Jr. High spoke and I was touched personally. He talked about alot of things that tied together but one of things that really got me was when he said something along the lines of "Don't answer this outloud, but I want you guys to think about what you see when you look in the mirror. Are you happy with what you see? Not the outward appearence, but inside you. Are you happy with what you're doing and how you're living your life. Are you proud to call yourself a child of God? Can you live up to being a child of God?"

Im not proud of what I am doing. I don't like the cutting, the depression, counting calories, purging, starving, lieing, drugs, everything. *sigh* but I don't want to let go out of it.

It is so hot. I can't stand to wear long sleeve shirts but I cannot give up cutting. I don't know what to do, it is so exausting to watch my arms constantly. It's so annoying to have to bend my arms awkward ways to open doors or accept change from the store. Feh.

My dad made a comment to me yesterday saying I need to get out of the house and not spend my whole summer in my room or im just going to get depressed. that made me feel like a terrible loser. but, for his sake, i am trying to get out of the house and plan things though i really really just want to pop like 4 sleeping pills that i bought yesterday and sleep till tommorow.

i dont want to think anymore today. i dont want to think ever again.