i dont even know anymore
2002-07-08, 2:46 a.m.

i hate myself. i cant even write my weight. why am i so powerless to do anything i set my mind to? why does it seem all my efforts are nothing and that only luck or some special combination will let me lose weight. i don't even want to think about that.

an overwhelming amount of hate is flowing from me to me. why does it seem when only a few things are going wrong everything is messed up? my face is breaking out for one. im tired of it being so out of control. stress does it i suppose. all my youth leaders are bombarding me with worry and concern and blah de blah. they all want to meet with me and "talk". hah. what a load of bull.

tommorow is beach day. two major problems with that. bathing suit. ack. me. fat. espically NOW. why couldnt they have beach day a week ago when I was 98 lbs? Now I am huge. More huge. Another problem: my arms. Scars and cuts are EVERYWHERE. God they are so covered and so noticable. Everytime I wear a short sleeve shirt out in public, no matter how hard I try, no matter how few people are there someone has ALWAYS said something when they see. I'm tired of answering questions. Screw it. Im wearing a jacket. I'm not answering questions and I am not worrying and I am not going in the water in my bikini. I am not showing my bikini. I may not even wear my bikini. Why should I even go completely?

gosh ive made a mess of everythng. my body, arms, life. i cant control anything anymore. the one thing i can control, my cutting, is now out of my control again because now when i hate myself so much and want to give myself the punishment i deserve i refrain from it because they are such a huge mess with no room left for new cuts and i cant do this forever. i cant cut everyday. i cant hide forever. ive got to cut back on cutting (hah...no pun intended) atleast till the weather gets a bit cooler.