2002-07-09, 11:13 a.m.

I got my blood drawn today to test for thyorid stuff and a bunch of other things. They took like 3 tubes. It didn't hurt. The lady was rude though.

Again, I don't feel like talking about my weight. I'm trying. We'll leave it at that.

I'm very tired. I'm not sleeping well and it's hard to take naps but I just slept for a little while.

I have to meet with Allissa today with a few other girls. She told me on the phone a few days ago she wants to get to know me better and hang out with me because she really sees her high school self in me. I don't want to hang out with her. I don't really feel like to doing anything. Everything seems to take too much effort. Like weighing myself, eating, purging, cutting. It's all too much.

I plan to get some exercise and goto an overeating annoymous group with a focus towards bulimia tonight. I don't know why, it just seems like the right thing to do. I don't even know if I want to stop. I don't know what I want anymore with anything.

I called my therapist office and asked them to squeeze me in this week. I don't know why. I don't know why its so important to see him this week. I feel kind of dumb doing it, but I am afraid. It's like I don't trust myself and I am afraid I am going to do something insane at any given moment. Like a time bomb. Tick tick tick. Waiting to explode into a million pieces of insanity.

One thing I do know for sure, I can't stop thinking about Klif. As I fall asleep, in my dreams, my first thought as I wake. Gosh I love that boy. So much. As I try to make myself forget everything thats troubling me and force myself into sleep, I think of him holding me. Laying right behind me, his body forming to mine with his arms wrapped around me lightly scratching, touching, my side. Gosh I just need him now. When nothing seems right and I can't sort my thoughts and won't let myself sort my thoughts, he still seems right. He is always consistent. His love for me and my love for him is ever there and ever able to put a smile on my face, and bring out that side of me I remember seeing so many years ago. I forgot who I was so many years ago. Giggly, bubbly, goofy.

The more I write in here, I see myself getting more honest. This seems like this most honest entry I have wrote in so long. Nothing was forced, dramatic, fake. This is me. Avoiding all the hurt and just rambeling.

I apologize to all the people who sign my guestbook and I don't acknowledge them. I really REALLY appreciate it. I get those emails when people sign and I look at my guestbook with anticipation to what people will say about my intimate side of life I reveal only here. It warms and breaks my heart to read and face truths, encouragement, and people just like me. Thank you all who have signed. You ever leave a thought in my heart and mind.

Well, I guess I should return my movie so I don't get late fees. Adios.