2002-07-14, 4:13 p.m.
I don't know. I don't know what it is. Something is wrong with me. It doesn't feel like my hopeless depression. It feels like hopeless anger. Everything is shit and I am tired of it. I am tired of how meaningless and fake and stupid everyone is. I am tired of how fake and meaningless and stupid I am.
It feels as if I am about to explode. Explode in to never ending screams of all that makes me mad coming out at once. I hate my mother. She's insane. Fucking insane. She's acting immature and crazy again.
She is refusing to acknowledge me as a daughter and she keeps leaving these damn signs everywhere. Her latest obsessions is signs. My dad got a ticket for street sweeping and she left a sign on the door of our garage about the dates of the street cleaners and if he doesn't move his car he will get a ticket. Just tell him dumb ass. Then she kept taping this damn prayer on the desk outside my room. I kept tearing it off and trashing it. Finally after her re-writing this thing 8 million times she leaves the dumbest, most annoying sign. "Keep your mitts off or I will have nothing to do with you." Like she all ready has so much involvement in my life. Then I used my parent's cordless phone because my battery died and she left a sign taped to my door saying "Keep your mitts off my phone or else." Okay...how old are we? 10? She's fucking 50 years old and she is threatening me. I should go in her face and ask her "Or else what?" but that wouldn't make a difference. What's the use of trying to talk to her. She's insane and can't understand.
Julio, my therapist, said I need to learn to separate myself from her life. How the hell am I suppose to do that when she keeps pulling shit like this?