last night
2002-07-15, 7:09 a.m.

Gosh, where to start? Last night was terrible and long. I went to the Harvest Crusade (*groan*) with a girl named Allissa. She use to be bulimic so I've had this fear she'll figure me out because she was bulimic for 6 years, I think she knows the tricks. We go there and I am absolutely starving because I'd ate very little and what I did eat I purged. She brought sandwiches and chips from subway but I couldn't eat them. Finally, when she pulled out hers, I couldn't stand it so I ate up. Chewing good and sipping water. Then I proceeded to get rid of it. I told her I had to go to the bathroom. "Me too" she said. She seemed a little to anxious about it. Like she knew and was going to see. I went to purge and god nothing was coming out. Maybe I was rushing it too much but despite the problems people usually have I can get rid of bread pretty darn easily. So I tried for a bit but then through the crack of the door of the stall I saw her waiting. For a second I thought she even saw me so I panicked. I came out, plastered a smile, washed my hands, popped some gum, and hit my red knuckles and fingers. We went back in to the worship and she kept hugging me and then I saw she was sobbing. She said she knew my pain and she had been there. I gave her a dumb look and said "What pain?" she said "The way you hurt yourself" for a second I thought maybe she was just freaking out about cutting but I knew that was a slim chance. The Harvest Crusade ended, she dropped off her friend Sean, and we proceeded to drive home. We talked a bit about bulimia. Then she told me her terrible story. How she may never have kids because her muscles in her stomach are so tweeked and she doesn't have the strength she thinks. And that she has to fight to keep down food constantly. And she gets heart burn non stop. Her teeth are ruined. She gets periods REALLY bad. Really heavy, really bad cramps. I was so scared. She brought me to this cafe place and ordered a huge sundae and apple pie. What could I do? Refuse to eat? I suppose, but I couldn't do that after all she said. So we chowed. Then I had to go to the bathroom. Get rid of it. She followed me to the one person bathroom and stayed outside my door. She said when she saw me purging at the Harvest Crusade (she did fucking see!) she was ready to barge the door down and tear my fingers out of my throat. If I take too long, she said, she will bust down that door. I stood for what seemed like hours but was probably only about 20 seconds arguing what to do. After all she said to me, could I do that? But I can't keep it in me. Then I heard her say "Melissa you're taking too long" Fuck. I started to freak. I went pee, came out, and she said we should go take a walk. Anything to keep me from going home. I was panicking. I couldn't think. So much icecream in me. Then I started to get terrible stomach pains. She asked me to the spend the night and spend the day with her. I had no reason why I couldn't so I kind of mumbled "i guess" she wouldn't let me go in to my house alone because that'd be leaving enough time for me to go puke. Well, great. I packed, went to her house, did the longest bible study of my life at 2:30 am with her, and fell into a troubled sleep dreaming of my stomach suffocating the world. It was huge. It was too late to get rid of it. Way beyond digestion. I woke this morning, got dropped off at the request of myself not to spend the day with her, and here I am. I weighed myself. I weigh the same but I am ticked because I did so good yesterday till the icecream. I'd probably be back down to 100 or 99. But I am 101. Argh. Huge. Mess. Allissa says I look too skinny and this is getting out of control. Bull shit.

I don't know why this bothers me so much but I am tired of people talking about my crazy, terrible parents. Its almost like I am offended but I hate them. I guess it just feels like they shouldn't be insulting them and saying they want to beat them. Sure, they deserve it, but it seems wrong for some reason.

My mother left another one of her signs on my door I saw when Allissa came over. It said something like "Keep your mitts off my stuff, give it back, or else I will have nothing to do with you." Allissa asked to keep it. I know she wants to show all the other youth leaders. I don't want to talk about my fucking mom anymore I hate her, she's insane, I can't change it. i just want to pretend she doesn't exist. I've hardly said 2 words to her for over a week. Julio was laughing at some of the crazy things she said when my parents met with him. I laughed too but I don't know if I find it funny.

Bed. Again. No food today.