who cares anymore
2002-07-16, 10:49 a.m.

I watch my hands shake. They shake a lot. They shake resting on my keyboard inbetween sentences. I took 5 diet pills last night when the scale wouldn't budge down. They have 5 calories each. 25 calories last night. They smell terrible and have a lot of caffeine in them. I think that's why they make me shake so much. When I take 2, like the bottle says to do, I don't shake as much. I took 2 again this morning to make sure I don't get hungry. I wonder how much I'll shake then. I think 7 is the most I've consumed in less than a 24 hour period. I'd take more, but like I said, they smell really bad and they're huge. I think that's why you don't get hungry. It tricks your stomach into thinking its sick but you don't have any of the symptons. Like when you smell something really bad and lose your appetite. I wonder if smelling food puts calories in you.

I finally got my period. My friend who was bulimic for 6 years said that bulimia makes your periods really really heavy and you get really bad cramps if you still get your period. That's how it is exactly. I feel like dying.

I see Julio this morning. I don't want to go. At all. I want to crawl under my covers and read my book and not think about food and how much things hurt and how many things I should be doing today.

My hands won't stop shaking. I try to grab all my fingers together tightly with my other hand to make it stop but either my other shaking hand or just the shaking in general just makes the clasped hand, the hand holding my other, and my wrists all shake. If I sit on my hands, my wrists and arms shake. I wonder if my whole body is shaking and I don't know it. Someone asked me if I always shake one time when I was taking the pills more consistently. That made me wonder if my body is shaking.

[I'd rather be dreaming then living. Living is just too hard to do]

I'm really tired. Not physically, this caffeine has me wired, but just of doing things. I am tired of all emotions. Tired of seeing people hurt and other people hurting them. I hate people. They're cruel and heartless. They always think of themselves.

[And I just can't stop thinking, you see. Thoughts are small comfort to me.]

I want to turn my head off. Just be miserbal and be numb and empty. But I over analyze everything and think too much. With sleeping, I don't think. But just before I fall asleep I am bombarded with thoughts that make it difficult to fall asleep and sleep peacefully.

I should go and get ready to see Julio. Were suppose to be leaving in 3 min. I'm in sweats, a tanktop, and I have wet hair. Oh well. I don't need to impress him.