I'm tired of this.
2002-08-03, 6:19 p.m.

"Whether or not you love yourself or care what happens to you, there are others who do. When you are hurting yourself, you are hurting them. If you keep taking these pills, you could very well deprive them of the girl that they care so deeply for."

3 days straight I have been shaking violently from take 8 Metabolite pills one night, and 5 last night. When I inquired a message board, someone who is a certified pharmacy person said that^ amongst other things how I am permently damaging myself with these. That they speed up my heart and also cause a bunch of other stuff she listed I wasn't really worried but now...I don't know. Then when someone I love so much says:

"Klif: look, someone who knows her stuff has told you if you don't follow the label's instructions, you could permanently harm yourself. i don't care if you WANT to take more. you have enough willpower, enough intelligence to know NOT to take too many."

I am worried about this after I've binged on some stupid soup. I sigh, go to the bathroom, blast my music. My throat feels closed and raw. I have sores on my knuckles from my teeth. The toilet bowl stinks. I take my hand out of my mouth when I'm finished, wash my hands, and see my arms cut up in the mirror with so many scars. Pink, white, cuts, scabs, everything. *sigh* I'm a mess. This isn't normal. I don't care if a lot of people on the internet do it and it is common, I'M a mess.

Now I want to cut. I think that'll make things better? *sigh* Nothing will ever change.