falling apart inside and out
2002-08-23, 11:21 a.m.

Everything is happening so fast. First I just break down sobbing on random days. A couple weeks straight I just keep crying over everything and anything. Sobbing is more accurate. I haven't had a therapy meeting since August 6th and I won't have one till September 17th due to the fact of he went on vacation, then I had to cancel an appt because it was on the first day of school. I'm losing my mind and I need to go. They're all filled up and will call if something opens...but like that ever happens.

Then I can't got for my lisense test when I thought I could and I really, really needed my lisense this week. I have an appt for the 30th but waiting for that day is so hard.

Yesterday I found out were pretty much moving from southern california to houston texas. My dad got his 60 day notice a few weeks ago and now he can't find any work here. The benefits are really good there, supposively, and selling our house right now is also suppose to be good. I can't leave behind everyone here. My therapist, my meds, everything and everyone. All my plans. I'm not stable without the people around me. I can't go.

Then I was chewing gum and I felt something hard in it. I take out the gum and I see 2 white chunks. My tooth had been hurting for awhile but...that couldn't be it. I ran to the bathroom and alas I was right..a big chunk of my molar just fell out. The tooth next to it is black with a cavity. I'm rotting my damn teeth. What the fuck is wrong with me?

I fell into a troubled sleep over all these things and was woken earlier than I wanted to be up because I felt a stab in my heart area. It still hurts once in awhile when I breath. Echoing of people telling me I can have a heart attack or have a seizure if I am seriously scared and my flight or flee instincts are triggered keep repeating in my head. ...you could drop dead from shock...

I'm falling apart. Inside and out. and I don't know what to do anymore.