out of control
2002-09-13, 8:04 a.m.

I had a goal. 95 by Tuesday. I don't know if I can still accomplish this goal. I want to though.

I was 101 after my first b/p yesterday which looked like 99 was plausible. I had nothing b/p and no matter how hard I tried...103 was sticking. I was throwing up water that I was drinkng during my purge and little circles of red that I feared was blood. I kept trying but I gave up at 103, feeling defeated and confused.

I woke up this morning in a frenzy because I realized I was late. Before I hopped in the shower I did my ritual of weighing myself expecting to see 99 forgetting about last night. When I read 102 I jumped off in disbelief and jumped back on.

Failure. Failure. Failure.

Maybe the pounds will go away...maybe they won't.

maybe my goal is fucked. maybe i'm fucked.i wanted it so much.


i want him so much.

i want him to be mine again. my love.

I'm taking lots of meds this morning. I don't know why. All the anti-depressants I'm suppose to be taking and anti depressants and energy pills.

i'm still kind of out of it from all the sleeping pills i took last night and my anti-depressants make me tired (and nauseous so maybe I won't eat) so I might as well take the diet pills that I should be taking consistently anyways. Then I should take some energy pills incase my anti-depressants make me drousy.

i was thinking yesterday, the more my life becomes out of control the more i try to control other things.