2002-09-29, 3:47 p.m.
I just had a terrible thought. A horrible realization. I am just as bad as my mother. I am just like her. I am fucking terrible just like her.
All the things I get hurt and angry over with her...are me. I wrote her a letter once that I never intended to give her but I'll quote parts of it to prove my point:
"I hate how you don�t know something is wrong with you. You won�t believe me when I tell you that you need help. you didn�t believe my sister, my brother, the counselor, the therapist, not even your own husband. How can you think your right over the world?"
I won't believe anyone that something is wrong with me...I think I'm right over the world. There, I am just as bad. But it gets worse:
I wish you could snap out of this psychotic state of yours and see the damage and the shit you have put everyone through because of you. I wish you could kill yourself because of how horrible you feel.
I, too, have put people in hell with my shit on endless nights, or when they discover how I am hurting myself. I put people through hell when they care about me and I am hurting myself. I have burdened so many lives with my life. JUST LIKE MY MOTHER
as I scream at her to shut the fuck up, and I tell her to stop acting so crazy, I look down at the mac and cheese I am making. I look at the bag of cheeseburgers I just bought. It's like I'm yelling at myself. Telling myself to sotp act so fucking crazy. It's like expecting myself to just STOP with this bulimia shit when someone I don't even care about tells me too. How can I expect that from her when I can't even expect people I love and respect ask me to stop....and I don't.
I'm just as bad. And that's so hurtful. So terrible. I hate her so much everyday and feel a burning rage towards her that makes me cry and I am just like her. I am just as bad. The hurt in relizing this is indescribable and overwhelming. I hate her, I hate me, I wish death on her, I wish death on me. It's all the same.
...I want to stab her with a knife....I might as well stab me instead...because I am just as bad.
fuck...is that why I cut? Is that what's bothering me? I hate her and I am just as bad so i'm punishing me??? HOLY FUCK. That's....
I don't know. I can't.
I had to give myself some time...to think.I don't know. Still. But I'm...more calm. If I could ever be calm again after knowing this. I don't like this. I hate it. There's too much truth in this entry. Too many realizations as i kept typing. It just kept getting worse.
what do you do when you find out the one you hated all your life..the one you wanted murder..the one that destroyed you and made you want to murder yourself....is you? help. please...i don't know what to do about this.