2002-10-11, 7:55 p.m.

I'm nothing now. nothing to him. forgotten, in the past. a slight chuckle and a "why WAS i even bothering with her? i can do so much better" i feel so small now. young, insignificant, worthless. and i cry...and i keep crying. because it feels like a chunk of my life has been lost and ripped out. i ask myself 'why should i even bother?' with trying to improve myself. i am shit. why bother?
y'know, with my parents out of town it'd be the perfect time to take the car, take a gun, drive till i'm empty of gas...and no more worries.
I'm trying to remember the look in Julio's eyes but all I can see is another world. something i can never have. sometimes i feel like i'm something special to him. ken says i'm one of his favorite patients. he has said it before too. that he sees something in me. and he likes me and cares about me. but it doesn't feel like it. but how much can you show through a doctor-patient relationship? sometimes it seems like he has all the answers and knows so much...other times i question if he knows what he's doing. i don't know what i'm doing. all i want to do is sleep till tuesday. or sleep forever. everything has lost meaning.