2002-10-13, 11:40 p.m.
i feel horribly bloated and horribly fat. i think i'm going to start my period soon and i haven't shit in days. 101 fully clothed tonight. shit i know i will be 99 or 100 tommorow morning and i know i didn't gain 2 or 3 pounds in one day but it still scares the hell out of me. i'm going to take diet pills tommorow so i won't eat all day -- then take laxatives when i get home from school. so tuesday morning i should be back to normal. my whole body is fucked up. dry skin, breaking out, itchy, open sores everywhere. everything is just a mess. i feel a huge roll over my pajama bottems and it freaks the hell out of me. i know these pajamas are a bit small at the waste (a knot is tied too tightly that i can't get undone) but i know i'm 101 and therefore still scared. i had salad and grapes for dinner at my bible study and im trying to tell myself it's that but i know i'm just a fat ass that prolongs purging too long both times today. i miss seeng the 95.5. if i don't eat for 2 days i know i will see that and i know the requires 2 days of feeling like hell from ODing on diet pills. i hope if i go and get some sleeping pills i can kind of balance the wired affect but i'm so poor from buying all of this food and with my parents being out of town i need to be careful or i'll be foodless (which may not be a bad thing) way before they come home to buy groceries. gdlgdfg. i can't stand this roll. it's one thing to have huge fat thighs that i'm use to, but a huge stomach too is scary. my muscles are sore everywhere like i just ran a marathon (ya right...like i could get my fat ass to move) and my eyes feel like theres something in them when i close them...but they are just really dry. i put drops in them, but they still hurt. 11:45...got to wake up at 6. i'll hate myself tommorow. i hope i don't start crying tommorow. i don't think i could stand another bad day. my arms are sore enough from cuts and dry and scratching and sores. too much. okay...this is the plan. 8 diet pills, get through the school day -somehow- 6 sleeping pills...(pray i'll have no homework) and just sleep....till tommorow. fat fat fat fat FAILURE.