2002-10-18, 7:08 a.m.
hm. Last night I kind of lost my mind. I wish I wrote about what I was feeling afterwards because I can't put together the pieces of what was wrong. Before I lost my mind, I did write an entry. My "I wish" entry. Someone read it, and asked how I was. And that made me mad. That they don't ask unless I wrote about it. But then, all of a sudden, I was huddled in a ball next to my computer howling and sobbing like a little girl. I was clutching my knees and was howling and sobbing these desperate, scary sounding sobs. They were like chopppy, short, gasping, whimpering, yelping sobs. All I could think was that I needed something. Why that put me into sobs, and why tears are running down my face right now is a mystery, but I can't remember sobbing like that in years. After I finished, I felt empty and destroyed. Like I just lost a part of me. Or maybe it's always been gone, and I am just moarning over that loss now. It feels like I need something, something to happen. I need someone to help me. I think that's it. I need someone to help me. I tried to reach out to a couple friends in that time, but they couldn't help me. They could only offer the obligatory sorry's and i wish things weren't like this for you's. but i need something more. i need someone to help me.
i need someone to make this pain go away, because i can't do it myself and I'm just so tired of it all I know that's not a major revelation or anything but god living each day is just too much to ask out of me anymore. everything is too much. someone, anyone, help me.
I wish this entry said more, because it doesn't seem to seem that major. Like anything happened. Like any of this is out of the ordinary. But it is. God it is.
What do I know
And now it seems that I have found,
nothing at all.
i'm choking on nothing
and it's clear in my head
and i'm screaming for something.
Knowing nothing is better than knowing at all."
Maybe i'm interperting this song all wrong, but it's like you know something is wrong but you don't know what it is, but maybe it's better that way. But I know I'm screaming for something.