2002-10-18, 9:04 p.m.
So...an uninterestng day. I went to school and read through my photo and english class. I came home to and had to deal with the still affects of laxatives from last night. I bought a huge box of mash potatoes, cooked them, bought a huge burrito from del taco, ate the burrito and some potatoes till I was sick and full, purged, ate more potatoes, purged. Then I decided to do some towels and dishes before my parents get home, which they haven't yet still. I was sitting there folding towels and started to get really shakey. I kind of ignored it but then I started to get even worse and got really clammy and cold. I put on my jacket, but then immediatly got really, really hot. So I took off my jacket and long sleeve shirt because I was freezing seemingly moments before hand, and decided to make me some tea. I went into the kitchen sweating and shaking and nauseous. I was trying to find if this lemon tea had any calories but I was feeling so terrible i needed something in me so i made a large pot and put it in a huge thermost, and got a cup and sat down to try to drink and steady my hands. I drank cup after cup and still felt even worse. Food. I needed food in me. I went into the kitchen to get some "safe food". I got carrots and celery with mustard, and some home made sliced pickles(from cucumbers) I got the TV tray, my tea, and munched furiously praying I wouldn't pass out and die here alone with my parents hours away from getting home. Eventually I felt a bit okay. Then I started to get a bit worried. How much did I eat? 3 carrots, 3 celery sticks, 2 pickles? I kept telling myself it's okay, they're safe foods. I started a chant in my head it's safe safe safe safe safe but my pertuding stomach worried me. I hurried to the bathroom without thinking and purged. I told myself only 4 times. they're safe. i need food. think of how bad you felt before. but then 4 turned to 8 and 8 turned till I was empty. I felt a bit better, sat down, drank tea, and continued my laundry. I didn't start feeling terrible again thank god. I see Pizza commercials on TV as I fold my clothes and fold towels and consider ordering a pizza. but i have no money. i spent all my money this week on food and i spent my last dollars on mash potatoes and a burrito. damn. i plan to get a pizza when my parents get home and i get money, but they still aren't home and i want a binge so bad but i'm afraid they will come home mid binge. I've been afraid they will come home for like 5 hours now. When will they get home? Everytime I hear a noise I think it's the garadge but it's only the washing machine bleaching all the towels that are covered in vomit from me wiping my mouth and hands after so many binges and purges tihs week. with my parents gone, it was so easy. I find a barely touched bag of corn nuts and now feel obligated to binge, but i need some fucking money. get home get home get home. my period is now a little over 2 weeks late. is my body really that fucked up? it's never been this late. i'm not underweight. i was 98 this morning. right now..fully clothed...i am 102. Fuck, where did all that weight come from? I know i'm wearing layers of clothes and it's night, but it still scares me. get home get home get home i need some fucking money.