2002-10-24, 8:01 p.m.

today wasn't good.

today was too much. i hope tommorow doesn't feel this way. but i know it will and i'm not ready to face it. i'm not ready to face the next minute, i can't stand to face tommorow.

i wish everyone would stop saying i need help. i am getting help. if my therapist or psychiatrist thought i needed additional help, it would happen.

okay, i'm a liar. my psychiatrist wanted me to get an additional doctor. but i can't fucking get help. stop telling me to. my parents can't afford it and even if we could there is no way my dad would allow it. i'm hardly getting the help i am getting right now. so back the fuck off me like i pay the medical bills and i could control these decisions.

ultimately, my therapist isn't recommending more help and he's the one who sees me most often and hears every thought in my mixed up head. My psych has seen me like 3 or 4 times. Let's see...who would know? back off.

i'm so tired. and irritated. and hungry. today i ate:
2 apples
a handful of grapes
1/3 of 3/4 cup of cereal. i don't know how much that is. 1/4 a cup? anyways, it was 27 calories.
1 ruffle 5 cal?
I was 99.5 this morning. because i can't lose weight. because i can't do anything.we'll see what tommorow brings. i took a bunch of laxatives. and i am about to take a bunch of sleeping pills. pills pills pills.

swallow, choke, and die