2002-10-25, 1:55 p.m.

my paper journal is missing. 2 days been missing. i checked all my classes today and nothing. i'm so fucking worried. too many secrets. meh.

i was 96 this morning. i wasn't expecting it but starving all day and taking laxatives really helps. i hope i go down by tommorow, but it's looking doubtful. i was good all day...only eating some grapes, but then i came home from school and now i'm bingeing. i just hope the purge is good and everything comes up. i'm eating digorno pizza, taquitos, and 2 cheese sandwiches. i hope it's enough and at the same time i hope i can finish it all.

i got called in by the school psychologist again today. she asked me how things were going and i gave short answers to all her questions. she gave me this questionare to fill out that had really, really lame questions. Stuff like "I like the way I look" T or F. "Someone wants to hurt me" "School is a waste of time" I lied on a lot that were true for me, and left a lot blank that I didn't know how to answer. I could tell from the test what disorders they were looking for. They asked a lot of paranoid, compulsive liar, low self esteem, anti-social type things. The school psychologist asks a lot of dumb questions, too. She reads too much into things and she's obsessed with the possibility of me being suicidal. i keep telling her i'm not but she asks in 100 different ways each time. Not all depressed kids are suicidal. She asked to see my arms but I said no and that she saw them once and that's good enough. I told her I hadn't hurt myself though I have. She said she could trust me. Dumb ass.

i want my paper journal. so bad. i hope no one has it. i pray pray pray pray no one has read it.