2003-07-02, 9:56 p.m.
I'm eating. I had youth group tonight. No one talked to me.
I had a dream last night that therapist, the guy from behind the desk at therapist office, and youth pastor via speaker phone were at my regular schedueled appt with therapist. They all sat down looking nervously at me. I knew something was up. They took turns reading from a script. It basically said my time was up seeing therapist and he can't help me anymore. In my dream, I tried to disassociate my bad feelings. I didn't want to let myself know it was happening. I didn't fight or put up a protest. I didn't say anything. I wonder what it means. I wonder if I should tell therapist about this dream?
I've been fucking with my meds lately. I know my topomax kills my appetite so I've been ODing on it before dinner time to try to kill my evening binge and purge. It's not working. Then I take my increased dose again before bed to try to kill my day time appetite. It's not working. Then I take my increased dose again in the morning. That works. I don't eat during the day. I feel nauseous. Instead of 200 mg I take 300. I don't really want to binge and purge in the evening and I could live without it but I just have to. I'm so addicted. Psych says for the full affect of topomax some take 500-600 mg. I just know I shouldn't be increasing so quickly and taking so much. I'm just going to keep taking more and more till I stop this shit. I purged ramen and egg at lunch with chips at lunch today at my friends. That was improvement. Usually I eat a lot more. Now I'm eating Ramen and egg, chips and bean dip, mac and cheese, and a burrito. I've been bingeing and purging on a lot less lately. I use to eat two whole ordered pizzas and home foods.
Maybe I don't find the fun or comfort in eating as much anymore. Maybe my stomach is shrinking. Maybe I'm too tired to care