going down hill
2003-07-31, 2:29 a.m.

Things are going down hill quickly. My scale reflects a number that will go unmentioned. Though I know apple cider vinegar doesn't do shit, I down a shot of it hoping I will shed some pounds over night. I think I'm gaining so much from bingeing and purging.

These past few days I can't remember feeling so horrible. I know I'm one to complain of depression but if this is depression, which I'm not sure it is, it's never been this bad. For the past few days all I can do is lay on my bed, or the couch, eat and purge, watch TV, watch movies, HBO, and sleep.

I really feel like i've given up. I've lost faith in myself, in Julio, in my friends.

Today I was forced into a meeting with all my youth leaders. They said they won't sit around and watch me slowly kill myself anymore. They said they are worried and we need to take some steps of action. They want to call my therapist but they needed my permission because Julio won't even acknowledge he knows me without my Okay. I agreed, reluctantly, bitchy, that I will give him the a-o-k but I don't see how it will do any good. I guess they are going to tell Julio my current state and really be agressive of putting out crappy I am doing and push for some action. Again, I said, I don't think anything will come out of it but knock yourseleves out. But I guess we'll see where it goes. It might be good if Julio can see how bad I am doing but I know Julio will play all nicey nice with them like "Okay, thanks for telling me. Ta-ta" and that will be it. Youth pastors said they will initiate their next step from what Julio says. I have a feeling they will hit a road block. Rod, a youth pastor, said he was going to call and leave a voicemail asking for him to call him back and that it was important and please call him that day. I'll call Rod tommorow and see if Julio actually called him. 10 bucks says he didn't.