up and down up and down
2003-11-20, 7:10 p.m.

up. down. up. down. my emotions are a rollar coaster and i'm chasing after them trying to figure out what the hell is going on. i don't like this. i go through a few days feeling numb and maybe not quite all there. I just try to get by. now i feel like I did a week ago. my emotions are extreme and i'm sobbing all over again. i want to die. this feels like it's just too much and life isn't worth it. what is wrong with me? i don't want to do this. julio says this is a cycle and i'm bipolar. i say this is shit and i don't want this kind of life.

i am taking my medication, though. so if all goes well i'll be stable and all happy go lucky or some kind of shit. i managed to get through the week and went to all my classes. only one more day and tommorow is an easy day. tommorow, too, i leave for a retreat with my church. retreats are always difficult because i can't do my routine binges and purges and i try to minimize my eating. i either return with little weight gain or the same weight. if i'm lucky, though, i may lose a little weight because of restricting. we'll see.

I talked to my aunt but the conversation didn't go over well. she wouldn't tell me a lot about my mom and kept wanting to focus on me. i don't think she's very stable either, but defiently not as crazy as my mom. she kept asking questions about me and if i'm seeing doctors. she did tell me a little about my mom like that she was a loaner as a kid but was a good student. she also told me that my grandma was very ecentric. that she screamed a lot, threw things, and my grandpa couldn't handle her. i took a lot of notes on the conversation to share with julio.

i'm really, really tired. i slept horribly last night i felt so anxious and tense. i got to bed late in the first place but i was still wide awake for quite a bit. i kept waking up and tossing and turning.

my weight is down quite a bit and staying that way. i like it like that.