tired of this routine
2003-12-07, 9:51 p.m.

when it rains, it feels like god is pissing on us. i wouldn't mind the rain so much if it wasn't so damn cold. i'm always cold these days. i take baths everyday after school. it's the only time i'm warm. have i said lately how sick of things i am? i think i might have said it a few times. i'm sure everyone is sick of my bitching.

it's just the routine is getting to me. how am i going to get my binge food, the money, prepare the food, hide the food, eat the food, throw up, get to sleep, some how make it to class on 5 hours of sleep because i was up so late. Then, the next day, I do it all over again. I'm going fucking mad. I can't comprehend how long I've been doing this. i don't want to comprehend. i don't want to know.

Tuesday I see Julio. I give him and all the office folk their Christmas gifts. I'm afraid it's stupid to give gifts to your therapist and the people who work that. It's just little things: cookies, homemade personalized magnents. For Julio the same type of magnents but then we have this joke that goes with the movie Pretty Women so I got him the DVD. I hope I didn't go too far. I hope I didn't cross any boundries or anything. I'm kind of worried. Okay, really worried. I don't want to make a fool out of myself and I'm unsure how to give the gifts. I wish I could ask my therapist if it's okay to give my therapist gifts. Haha. I wish I could forsee the future how this is going to go.

I wish my binge and purge was over and I was in bed, empty, exausted, sound asleep. I'm so tired of this life I'm leading.