Rum and coke
2004-01-02, 5:05 p.m.

Oh, god. I don't even know where to start. I guess the beginning is a good place. Last night my friends and I, let's just call them Aaron and Carrie, decided to try out this new mix stuff they got for alcohol of types. Before I go any further, let me just say I've never gotten drunk before. Tipsy a lot, drank here and there, but never drunk. So we got some rum, the mix, coke, diet coke(for me), juice, crackers and cheese, and chill on Carrie's bedroom floor.

The mix is gross so right off the bat we just mix the rum with coke and juice. Carrie is our designated bartender for the evening and she's mixing us drinks and passing around shots. We're giggling, he he this is fun. I know the alcohol is affecting me because I start smiling and I can't wipe the fucking smile off my face. I start laughing so hard tears come to my eyes. This is when the night gets fuzzy. Like, big chunks are missing. I'll try to tell what I remember, and what I was told, but really some things still don't make sense to me.

I remember we decide to play pictionary and everything was really funny. I kept drawing cards and saying what the answer was before I drew it, then yelling "FUCK!" and laughing so hard. Aaron and I got a kick out of cursing. We would say one word then would yell "SHIT FUCK ASSHOLE" then start busting out laughing. I think we took some pictures too during this which was really stupid. We just kept drinking and drinking. At one point I thought I should stop but I wanted the feeling to last forever so I kept pouring it. I told Carrie my lips felt numb and she said that's enough then, and took my glass away. Then I got angry and I yelled "NO GIVE ME MORE!" I remember Aaron and I saying fuck the church and stuff. This is when I can't really remember much of anything:

Carrie and Aaron said I started to feel sick so Aaron and I started to lay down. We pretty much finished off a bottle or two between the three of us. I can't remember. I just remember talking about how we wanted to finish the bottle and we did. We started to talk about telling secrets and Carrie and Aaron vividly described sexual stuff and I think I vividly described some sexual stuff I've done. I remember thinking in my head about my eating disorder and almost saying it out loud. THANK GOD I DIDN'T.

I remember stumbling to the bathroom to go pee and that's when I knew I was really screwed up because Carrie had to help me. My steps pounded and I swayed and man, I couldn't see anything. After I peed I laid down on the bathroom floor and wanted to sleep there. Carrie wasn't as wasted as me and Aaron and was kind of taking care of me during the whole night. She asked if I wanted a shower and I just moaned on the ground. Aaron said "shower!" he was still kind of giddy. He started to strip to take a shower so Carrie led me out of the bathroom. I don't remember any of this, but I guess it happened. I don't remember getting back and fourth from the bathroom. Hell I know I couldn't of walked on my own. Carrie put me to bed and she went to go check on Aaron. When she came back, like 2 minutes later she said, I was barfing all over the bed. I remember all of a sudden sitting up and barfing. Everything felt like a dream. she led me to the bathroom but I didn't barf there. I just laid on the ground. She washed my face, she said, but I don't remember that either. After all of this, I don't even have bits and pieces. I guess Aaron and Carrie stripped me of my clothes and put on new pajama bottoms and a shirt. Then they took off the soiled comforter and the other blanket I hurled on and rinsed them off in the tub as best as they could and left them there. They took more blankets and stuff from another room and put me to bed. They tried to feed me crackers and make me drink something, but I remember I was worried about the calories in the crackers so I kept shaking my head back and fourth going "" but I chewed a couple and said "my teeth feel heavy" and they both laughed. They made me drink some diet coke, they said, and spilt it on me, so they had to put me in another shirt. Then we all passed out on Carrie's bed. Carrie said I kept saying "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for barfing. I'm so so sorry. I'm sorry." like all night. even when we were trying to sleep I kept waking up and saying I'm sorry. I remember that as I started sobering up, I still kept saying sorry. Then I start sobbing really, really bad. I just kept sobbing. I don't know why. We were laying in bed almost falling asleep and I started sobbing. I kept being annoying, they said, and kept talking. I guess I was still kind of drunk because I remember talking about weird things. like saying "do you guys know that one song..." and they saying SHUT UP. In the middle of the night, I heard Aaron get up a couple of times to go barf so that made me feel better that I wasn't the only one who puked. I felt nauseous all night and I didn't want to barf again so I somehow stumbled, poorly, to the bathroom and forced myself to barf(yay for bulimia skills...). There wasn't much in my system though. I only had like green beans and some crackers for dinner. I didn't puke much of anything. I remember waking up a lot in the middle of the night and talking and pissing Aaron and Carrie off. I would wake up and moan a lot, too.

The next morning we took Carrie's bed stuff to the laundry mat and washed them. I hung out with Carrie and Aaron all day today, putting back together her room and putting back the pieces of last night in my head.