2004-01-14, 7:27 p.m.
i can't stop thinking about death.
i'm so fucking fat. fat. fat. i can't stop eating. and purging. and god, i'm fat. it's only one pound. but look at me. i'm HUGE. i don't want to live another minute. i'm so overwhelmed. i can't breath. i cry because this is so hard. i cry because this is all my fault. i cry because i tell myself as i'm barfing "this is almost over, just finish purging" but then the thought arises "this will never be over. you'll be doing this tommorow." and I'M SO FUCKING TIRED.
i can't erase the thought in my mind. someone asks me for a school assigment "what do you want to do for this?" i think "die." someone says "how are you?" i think "dying inside".
I'm not afraid of living. I just don't want to.