2004-01-19, 2:38 p.m.
Shit day. Day is shit. All days are shit. This morning I was 82 lbs. What the hell? Not even trying to lose weight. That frightens me. I tried at lunch though. Instead of my usual can of green beans I added some carrots and an orange. Not much of anything but I'm afraid of anything else but fruits and veggies. Tonight I binge, as usual.
My house is tearing me apart. My mom is tearing me apart. She's fucking mad mad mad. She won't quit yelling out. "SHUT UP. I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT" to the voices in her head. She blasts music to try to drown it out. it makes me break down. I keep crying. I'm losing my mind like her. No one will do anything about her. She won't leave me alone. She keeps calling me names and just being this cruel bitch to me. She says she hears a police radio. I asked her what the police radio says and she said when she hears it again, she'll tell me. That was yesterday. She constantly is talks to herself, yells out, shakes her head. She is making up fake illnesses, coughs so loud you can hear it from anywhere in the house. Her moods swing wildly. One second she's calling me names and yelling out, the next she's asking me if need her car or a ride. (my battery died..i'm confined to this house).
My OCD is getting fucking bad. I can't stop cleaning my fucking keyboard, picking at my face, worrying about being clean, checking things, making sure things are turned off. I'm a fucking wreck.
Tommorow is Julio. I wonder if he'll notice my weight loss. I wonder if he'll do anything about all of this mess. I wonder if anything will come out of the meeting.
I feel like death is drawing closer.